Saturday, 31 December 2011

Weigh in

First weigh in

Current Weight - 80kg
Waist - 96.5cm
Hips - 110.5cm
Chest 97.5cm (above the boob...no point measuring my boobs I don't want them to lose weight LOL)
Thigh - 93.5cm
Upper arm - 33cm

First Goal

75kg

How I'm going to get there

Counting calories at Calorie King.

Drop portion size by eating off a bread and butter plate.

DRINK WATER

Ab exercises

Workout dvd (for now....just waiting for next pay to join the gym - YES I'M JOINING A GYM)

Next weigh in

Sunday 7th Jan.

What I hope to be

79kg

Getting my sexy back!

2012 the year I get back to 2007, yes it was 5 years ago that I fluctuated from 57 - 60kg.  I was proud of the fact that after 4 kids I was still quite slim and sexyish and I so want to go back there. 

Funny thing, it never took any effort really to maintain that weight.  I wasn't overly active, I didn't exercise and I didn't really watch what I ate either.  Ok my diet wasn't bad but that was because that's what I liked, it was a diet with good sized portions of good food and some not so good food in between.  If I gained a few kilos I'd take it as an indication that I need to lay off the fatty foods for a bit....so I'd do that and voila!  Kilos gone!

Now....5 years and 2 more kids later I'm not the same.  I've slowly been gaining, and 3 years is probably a more accurate timeline, of how quickly things went downhill.  I still don't regularly exercise, I eat the same good sized portions of good food and some not so good food......and yet....I'm this!  80kg!  That's a 20kg gain!  I've never been this fat in all my life!

Well the time has come, obviously, where I'm going to have to start watching my weight and...wait for it.....exercise!  Never had to before, but obviously something's changed within my body that has now required me to do so.

So...as of today I'm making a start in changing my lifestyle to incorporate my new body so that I can get back to my old body...the one that had people look at me with such envy!  Today is the day that things are going to change.  My exercise habits, eating habits and portion sizes are all going to change this year and my goal, for this time next year is to be 20kg lighter!  I can do this!

First goal is to lose 5kg.  Once I've done that, then I know I'm well on my way!

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Rhys' Birthstory - 18/08/99

At 7weeks I had some spotting, which scared me quite a bit.  Fearing it was a miscarriage I tried to read as much as I could about miscarriages and what I was in for.  I read a section about implantation bleed and hoped to God that that was all it was. 

I had an ultrasound and the baby was going great but there was a slight smudge that indicated a bleed of some sort.  2 weeks later at 9 weeks, the bleeding and cramping had stopped and I had another ultrasound and saw that everything was doing well.

I look back now and wonder how significant this was in the end.  I wonder if there's been any study about implantation and what was going to happen later.  To this day I still wonder about that and wonder if it could have been forseen.  But at that point I was just really relieved that everything was ok and later in an ultrasound it was revealed that my baby was a very healthy baby boy!  And this was more than I could hope for.

From the womb, I knew that Rhys was different.  He was strong!  I give that to him!  He would push his legs down one side and push to the other side and then roll over in a huge sweep.  A friend of mine would sit and watch my belly in utter amazement at the rolling and the waves she would see. 

Rhys was also very jumpy.  I'd be washing the dishes and my belly would be leaning up against the sink and I'd bang a pot on the side of the sink..... and he'd jump!  I'd be having a bath and I'd be laying in the bath tub, all quiet then suddenly I'd move my hand and the water would slop onto my tummy....and he'd jump.

Even though my hips ached like anything....and my lower back would get spasms that would radiate down my legs.  I enjoyed this pregnancy more than any others ...number one because it was in the middle of winter this time...no heat...no swelling...more comfortable.  And number two because watching my belly was pure entertainment for me LOL

However.....I hated the thought of going overdue again.  As nice as it all was, I was still in pain and couldn't bear the thought of going overdue again like last time....and it would be lovely to go into labour by myself eh?

So I went and got a mix of lovely aromatherapy oils to rub into my belly.  It was a concoction of apricot oil, clary sage and jasmin....as far as I can remember.  And it smelt so pretty!  So I rubbed this on my belly everynight from about 36 weeks onwards.

The day before my due date, I had an antinatal appointment with an OB, and by this stage I was pretty set with the knowledge that it looked as thought I was going to go overdue again, but if I could at least find out what my cervix was doing then it would give me hope that something is happening or that if I did have to be induced again that I may not have to have the prostin gel again and that things might happen if my waters were broken.

The OB looked at me and said that because I'd had a baby before that my cervix won't be completely closed anyway but he'd check me out and see what's going on.  On checking it was found that sure enough the cervix wasn't completely closed and on the soft side...which he said I could go on like that for weeks yet!  Yeh ok....thanks mate!

So off I go home again....rub my aromatherapy in and then decide that perhaps having sex might help things along, only when we went to do it, I was swollen down there and it hurt so much that we couldn't do it!  I had a shower after that and cried and cried and cried.  Then resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to go overdue again!

The next day...was my due date.  I just pottered around the house while my BH contractions, which I'd had for months now....kept coming.  I wasn't thinking much, only that I thought it might be nice if I chopped up some stuff for a lasagne put it together then when hubby came home, we can pop it in the oven and go for a walk to the park together while it was cooking....then we can come home...eat dinner and I can have a nice warm bath in aromatherapy oils.  You never know!  It might work!

My plans were dashed when after a little nap on the floor with my daughter, I mosy on into the kitchen to start the lasagne, chopping away I felt a pressure down below.  Almost like I was about to fart (yeh I know but it's the only way I can describe it) only instead of farting...my waters bulged then broke, right there... knife in the air mid cut, in the kitchen.

I looked down and it was literally like someone had gotten a glass of water and decided to tip it out, it just gushed...just like that!

I dropped the knife and looked around muttering 'what do I do, what do I do', then suddenly got a bright idea and put my finger up in the air....went to the calandar, looked and saw that it was the 18th of August and then put my thumb up and said "Good day!"  Matter of factly just as another gush of water came out.

I guess I couldn't believe that things were happening on its own and that I wasn't technically overdue! 

By this time Dana had woken up just as my first contraction hit....and as I was on the phone to my hubby....another one hit!  5 minutes apart!

Err...yeh time to go I think!

Finally got through to my hubby who had stopped by his parent's place on the way home from work.  Meanwhile I was running around getting changed and dumping water everywhere, whereever I went.  I didn't have any pads though, as my hospital bag was in the car and hubby had the car!  So all I could do was shove a bathtowel between my legs and waddle everywhere.

Hubby came home and we had to first drop Dana off at his parent's then pick up his sister who was preg at the time and who I thought would get a kick out of coming to my birth.  By this stage contractions were 3 minutes apart.  While we were waiting for my sister in law, I rang the hospital and told them i was on my way and my contractions were 3 minutes apart. 

Got there and had to walk from the car to the maternity ward....no sorry...waddle...cos of the bath towel. 

Straight away they took me upstairs but put me in the birth centre suite for the time being as the only labour ward free at the time was being cleaned from the last birth. 

I didn't want to sit or lie on the bed....even though it looked like a lovely big double bed, I just wanted to sit in a chair. 

By then contractions were quite painful so I asked for some gas, it gave me something to do, and something to focus on....and something for everyone to laugh at me about in between when I started laughing at nothing in particular.  But after a while, things were getting intense and I threw it away....middie tried to give it back to me and I knocked it out of her hand and told her it felt like I was sitting on the baby's head.

She asked me if I was actually sitting on the baby's head, as I was sitting on the side of my butt....and no one had checked me or anything.  But I knew I wasn't actually sitting on his head, it just felt like I was....like a big lump was there.

She rushed out to see if the ward was opened or if I was going to have to have the baby right there in the birth suite (which would have been nice) and sure enough everyone was ready for me, so they made me walk....yes walk two rooms down to the ward.

On the way I looked in another room and saw a friend's mum and realised that a friend of mine was in labour too...so I waved to her but then had to quickly get into my room and sit down because I felt my legs starting to get weak and I was afaid I wouldnt' be able to stay standing.

Just as I sat on the bed and laid back on a 45 degree angle (seems to be my favourite position), I lifted my legs and his head came out. 

A bunch of doctors came in and perched themselves at the end of the bed and watched, I thougth I recognised the doctor I saw the day before but couldnt' be sure.....I didn't care anyway...I was yellin' that the baby was coming and the middie was yelling at me to stop pushing so she could check the cord, I screamed "I'm not pushing"....then out he slithered!  2 minutes!!!!

Let me say that again....from the time I went from my friend's door to the bed....till he came out, it was 2 minutes!  And I never even pushed....not once!!!  My body did it all on it's own...I just went with it, and out he came.  He slithered out.

9lb 1oz baby boy...big and strong...and he roared like a lion!

But I did it!  Look what I did!  1 hour 45 mins from the the time my waters broke, till the time my 9lb baby boy entered the world. NO stitches, man I was a legend!  If I could have, I would have yelled on top of my lungs "I'm the king of the world"  like Leonardo Dicaprio on Titanic.

What happens after this, is quite vague.  But I'll do my best to try and explain it as best I can from memory.  It may not be completely accurate or the order may be scewed a bit, but this is my memory of it.

About 5 or 10 minutes after he was born, I was made distinctly aware of some pain in my uterus.  Having read up on afterpains, that tend to happen after subsequent births, I assumed that this is what they were.  So I told the middie and asked surely that these didn't happen so soon, but she assured me that sometimes they did and asked if I'd like some panadol. 

I took some panadol and watched as my sister in law marveled at the strength of my new baby boy.....she had him on her shoulder and he had lifted his head right up off her shoulder and looked around...like a 3 month old.  And she kept pointing and saying 'look at this Des' ...but I was distracted as this pain in my uterus started getting worse and worse.

"Would you like a heat pack?" the middie asked.

I readily took it thinking how bad these afterpains were....but as she put the heat pack on, it was quite heavy on my stomach and I coudn't handle the weight of it. 

A little concerned, she prodded my stomach and I almost went through the roof from the pain.  But it seemed that my uterus wasn't contracting down like it should be and that it was 'boggy'.  Looking down she could see that I was losing some blood.

After that....everything was a blur.  The blood kept coming....my uterus would swell up...then I would cry out in pain then pass out into oblivion....I'd pass some clots, then I'd come back again and feel a bit better!

This kept happening....and everytime, the midwives kept thinking that when I passed the clots I'd be ok.  But I wasn't. 

By this stage they were starting to really worry, but I was still quite oblivious.  "I'm ok" I'd chime.  After each 'episode' I'd come back and say "See?...I'm ok.....I'm a bit of a bleeder" I'd say thinking back to when I lost a bit of blood after having Dana.  "Not like this love"  They'd reply.

By this stage I'd look over at my hubby and at my SIL and they were both sitting there looking at me in horror.  My mother turned up and almost passed out seeing me in a pool of blood and so pale I looked like I was dead, and then I would pass out again....and she's start crying like I was dying.

And I was...

I was dying!  Right there, in that labour ward...I was literally dying.  In front of my husband, his sister, my mother and my son!

I went into immediate shock...started shivering...and I was so cold.  /So very very cold!  I wasn't passing clots anymore, the blood was just seeping everywhere....all over the bed, the floor....me.  And when the Ob shook a form and a pen at me, to sign consent for surgery, it was only then that I realised that this was really serious.

I couldn't stop shivering....the pain wouldn't stop.  And I was barely conscious and all I could do was moan as they wheeled me down the corridor, running the whole way into the operating theatre.

I remember lying there, looking up the ceiling, scared that I was never going to see my children again.  The nurse was saying, "We're doing this to you now", "We're going to put this needle in you now."  And all I managed to mutter was "I don't care,....just stop the pain".

Then nothing.

I woke up and immediately recognised the fact that I was no longer in any pain....then next I recognised that I felt so unbelievably warm, as they had some inflatable heatblanket on me and it was glorious.  Then I just wanted to know where my hubby was and I kept muttering 'W w w w wh wh"  and the nurse thought i was asking how I was.  She said "You're doing fine now honey...."  then she realised I was asking for hubby and she told me he was in the nursery with his son. 

Good!....just as it should be!

I was taken to intensive care after that.  I had lost 3.5 litres of blood altogether, as far as they could estimate, and was receiving bag after bag of blood.  My blood pressure was still really low so they had to moniter me around the clock.

Hubby came in with Dana....on one hand I was glad to see her, but on the other hand I was worried that she'd be afraid of what she saw.  I had heart monitors on me, an oxygen mask, two drips, one on each arm. a catheta, and a blood pressure thing on my arm set to go off every 5 minutes.  I gather I was a sight.....not that I could see myself.

I remember the nursery ringing through and giving me a message that my son was hungry. 

What am I suppose to do?  I can't exactly feed him can I?  So I had to give permission for his very first feed was to be formula.  But nothing I could do about it.

After about 24 hours when my blood pressure had stablised, I was transfered to maternity and given my son for rooming in.  It was hard to look after him, and I was so weak I couldn't even stand straight, but I don't know how.....but I breastfed my son.... after an idiot nurse kept trying to shove him on my breast and trying to get me to relax my shoulders all the while pressing him onto the very points where the drips were going in.  In the end, she concluded that I won't be able to breastfeed because I was severely anaemic and left me there with drips and a baby...and me too weak to do anything for him.

But I showed her!

I fed him around the clock....I went home and struggled to feed him as much as he wanted.  I lost so much weight that I looked like a waif....but I got that boy from 9lb to 11lb in 3 weeks!  My milk was pure cream!  Don't you dare tell me I was too anaemic to breastfeed!  Determination means EVERYTHING!

I breastfed my baby for 12 months....3 months into another pregnancy.  Proving to everyone, that with determination, and perseverance and a little bit of prayer....anything is possible.

It was determined that a piece of my placenta, the size of a 10 cent piece was attached the wall of my uterus by 2 or 3 layers, it had to be scraped out.  It wasn't going to come out on it's own.  And this brings me back to the implantation bleed and I wonder if when the embryo implanted it dug right in...so far in that it affected the placenta's attatchment at that point.  But I guess I'll never know for sure, but I'm accutely aware of how lucky I am to be living in this day and age, with the medical care that we have.  Many years ago, in the old days....I would have died in childbirth from that.  Nothing would have been able to be done, and I would have bled to death.  But because of medical intervention and knowhow, and because of my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, I am here.

Rhys is now a robust 12 year old boy.  And he can be a handful at times....and sometimes when he's really being a pain in the butt I say to him "I nearly died having you!" jokingly.  Then I stop and I remember again, how lucky I am and how lucky my children are that I am alive today :)

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Dana's Birthstory - born 23/03/97

I was 36 weeks and had enough!

It was summertime in the tropics (Bundaberg) and I was huge!   My feet were continually swollen and I couldn't get cool no matter what I did.  My blood pressure was starting to rise, not that much...but enough to indicate that I was over being pregnant.

I presented to the hospital with some pretty massive contractions, which turned out to be Braxton Hicks, but I wasn't to know that at the time.  I was admitted and told that these were 'grey area' contractions...whatever that meant, and that they expect that I'd be in labour by the end of the day.

Turns out that the midwife had mistaken my massive BH contractions with prelabour contractions (I know this now LOL) and 6 weeks later I was 2 WEEKS overdue and still going!

At 41 weeks and 5 days, I was at my wits end, my blood pressure was still borderline, but again nothing to really worry too much about.....and I was even bigger than I was 6 weeks prior....my feet and ankles were even bigger and I felt like I was walking on stumps.  My hips ached continuously and had done since about 5 months.  And the heat was phenominal!!!! Not to mention that I'd have massive (grey area/prelabour/bh...whatever you feel like calling them) contractions for 3 months straight...to the point of pain!

When a doctor finally told me that they would induce me, I was elated!  I wanted this kid out!!!  I did not want to be pregnant anymore, I wanted to have this baby already, I was over it!  Induction just sounded like a godsend to me!

So I presented on the 21nd....all set to be induced, thinking that this was going to be my baby's birthday.  I was admitted and waited for what seemed like hours.  Nurses came in and out and said that they didn't think I'd be induced that day.  Are you kidding me???  But I kept telling myself that they're only nurses, what would they know.

Hours went by and my hopes were failing as I was preparing to unprepare myself for the birth that wasn't going to happen that day.

Finally at around 4 in the afternoon an Ob came down to tell me that they were actually fixing switchboards or something and although they still had a couple of labour wards open they couldn't justify putting me in labour and using one of them if an emergency walked in and needed it.  So he postponed the induction till the following day.  He explained that my cervix wasn't even nearly ready yet and they would have to put in the prostglandin gel on the cervix anyway, to soften it.....and this may not even put me in labour and I'd have to be induced the day after that even,  If I wasn't lucky enough to go in either on my own or from the stimulous of the prostin' gel.

Oh God!!!!!  So I argued the point!  "Please?"  I said  "I can't handle this anymore....I will be exactly 14 days overdue by then!"  He told me that in and ideal world he would have me in there right then giving birth, but that this wasn't an ideal world and things happen.  So he gave me a gate pass for the night, told me to go out with my hubby and family to sizzler or something and have a nice night out and be back in the morning by 8am and he'd be there!

So we went to sizzler, I tried to enjoy myself.  I had cravings for the pumpkin soup they had there so I felt a little better after the soup ;)

The following morning I was there at 8am only he wasn't there till 8.05, I told him that I was disappointed that he was late.  So I still had a trace of my sense of humour through all of it ;)

Cervix was still long and tight and no where near soft so in went the prostin gel.  And then I walked....I walked and I walked and I walked.  Nothing happened!

At lunch time the Dr returned and checked on my progress and my cervix hadn't done much so he inserted some more gel and left.  For some reason, my body decided to have a massive reaction to the gel this time and I had a huge contraction that lasted about 3 minutes straight.  My legs buckled and I was bent over and in agony!

This is it!

No!

After lying me down, the contraction went away and I was back to the usual BH contractions that I'd always have! 

Man!

I couldn't sleep that night!  I was hoping so much that I would just go into labour myself.  I was hoping that the gel was enough and that my body would just take over on it's own.  I was given a sleeping tablet so I could get some much needed rest....lord knows I would need it for the induction the next morning, but I still had a restless sleep, tossing and turning and sweating all night....to wake up in the morning in bitter disappointment that I was still 'intact' and that the pool of 'wetness' underneath me was NOT my bag of waters that I'd hope they'd be....it was sweat!

*sigh*

But today was the day!  This was it!  I was going to be induced today!  So I pulled myself together and got excited.

8am

First thing - Cervix checked....and yes it was starting to soften - yay!

Second thing - My waters were broken

Third thing - Syntosin (sp?) started.

Fourth thing - Strapped in with monitors.

Then we waited...and waited....and yes I had a few contractions.  The syntosin is designed to get contractions happening - but I wasn't in established labour.  I was given till lunch time to see if things would kick in and then they were going to up the syntosin drip.

By then I was bored, hungry and sick of sitting around in bed.  So I asked if I could go for a walk around (after all walking is suppose to help right?), so after they turned up the syntosin, I went for a stroll.   So here I was walking up and down the corridors with my friend the drip, and I don't mean my husband either ;)

I craved chicken twisties so I asked my mum to run out and grab me a packet and by the time I'd gotten back to the labour ward she had returned with the twisties.

So here I was sitting on the edge of the bed...happily eating my twisties and I remember saying to my mother "I wonder when the contractions will start - these are really dumb"  then it hit me!  A mammoth contraction lasting for about 3 or 4 minutes!  Just like the day before!  My stomach had clamped down and I was bent over...and yelling on top of my lungs with chewed up twisties dribbling down my chin.

It seemed that my body decided to get it's act together...right when the drip decided to finally work.

It was on!

Contraction after contraction....one after another, no space in between!  It was just on and on and I was in agony!  I asked for gas....sucked on that....did nothing.  I asked for peth...got a jab of that....did nothing.  By then I was 6 cm dilated and I just kept thinking I had ages to go.  I'd been at it for 3.5 hours and the middie said that on average we'd expect another 4 hours (cm an hour).  4 hours??  So I begged for the epidural!

I don't know if they gave me a half block or what....but it also did nothing!  zilch nada felt everything - nothing! 

I went from 6cm to 10cm in half an hour though, and suddenly I was in transition and yelling like no tomorrow!  I kept saying over and over 'hurry up hurry up'.  I didn't want it to end, I didn't want to go home....I hated the pain but I knew the only way it would stop is when the baby came out!  So that's what I focused on.  I pushed and pushed....and really I don't even think I was pushing all that much as my body was just doing it.  If felt like my body was taking over and I couldn't help but bare down along with my body.  15 minutes it took. 

15 minutes it took for my 9lb 5.5oz baby girl to grace us with her precence.

And it was over! 

4 hrs it took all up and it was finally over!

All I could do is make 'relief' noises over and over and I repeated 'my baby, my baby' over and over as they put this slimy alien like 'thing' on my chest!

But that 'thing' was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.  She didn't even cry.  All she did was whinge as if to say "Hey I'm trying to sleep here"...but then after a while she opened her eyes and she was the most alert baby I'd ever seen. 

I have video footage to this day of her and her father just looking at each other in sheer amazement as he held her.  It was a beautiful moment and I'm glad my mum captured it.

Meanwhile, I had torn a little and needed stitches.  Thankfully there weren't too many but I remember how awful it was to have my legs strapped up in stirrups while the doctor's head was cms away from my hoo haa while she stitched me up.  I asked for the gas,....just so I could bliss out during that part LOL

I'd lost a little blood, just enough for the doctor to let me know that I may want to go on iron tabs for a while...but nothing to worry about.

Apart from that....no complications and a big, fat, healthy baby girl.

That alertness and observation skills never left her.  She has grown up to be a very perceptive young lady who is a joy to have as a teenager.

Recording History

I wrote my birthstories years ago but have since lost them.  I'm a bit upset by it as they were written closer to when they actually happened, and over time one tends to forget certain aspects.  So I've decided to record my birthstories again.  Not only that but I'll be recording things like my breastfeeding history and things like that also.

Another reason I'm doing this, is because I have a friend who wishes to write a book about REAL life pregnancies and childbirths and things like that, and needs anacdotes of real stories from people.  I'm hoping to contribute to that somewhat.  Years ago I thought about doing it myself but never got around to doing it, so I'm glad she is though, because this kind of thing is really needed.  A book that mums and mums to be can read that actually have real live accounts instead of textbook information that seem so out of touch and sterile.  Plus it will give readers info on things that THEY don't tell you ;)

So over the next....I don't know....however long, I'll be writing my birthstories and things and might even set up separate links at the top so that they can be easily accessed.

Wedding update!

Well there's a reason I haven't updated in a while and that's because, after much thought, we have decided to change the date of our wedding to the 2nd June.  So this means that the stress of how we're going to get through christmas and kids going to school....then the wedding moneywise.  We have been a bit stressed out thinking about it and now I'm able to relax a tad and start up again in the new year.

However just before we changed the date I had only just ordered our bombonieres and our invitations from ebay....and......luckily was able to quickly email the sellers and get the dates changed as they were all going to be personalised! 

The bom's haven't turned up yet but our invitations turned up the other day and wow!  They are so beautiful....better than what they looked like in the pics.  They came from the UK and the lady that did them did such a great job and got them finished really fast.  They turned up the other day and I almost cried because I was so happy with them.

Also, last monday I ordered my flowers too!  And the funny thing is, is that they are fake flowers from a guy here in Toowoomba who's flowers all look so real, and I had picked up a wedding mag from some venue I was looking at months ago.  It was a wedding mag with tips in it and various businesses in Toowoomba, from florists to hairdressers.  Well there was this article talking about flowers and what a bride should look for and when they should order them, giving tips on what we should do blah blah blah.  And the picture was this beautiful bouquet of white and pick roses, and I marked the page so I could take it to this guy with the fake flowers and show him that this is exactly what I wanted....

Well I show it to him and he looked at me and said that it was his bouquet anyway, and that yes he can most definetly do it exactly like that since he's the one who made it in the first place!  How funny is that!  So at least I know I'll get exactly what I want.  Anyway I ordered my bouquet and 3 more little ones for the girls and paid my deposit.  So something else I can cross off my list now - yay!

Coming off Zoloft Cold Turkey - Update!

Well it's probably been about 6-8 weeks now since I've been on them and by now the chemicals should be pretty much out of my system.  Although I did have another brain zap yesterday, out of the blue, and I hadn't had that for quite a while but apart from that no other side affect.  My headaches have well and truly gone but unfortunately I still have the 'weight' so now I know it probably wasn't the zoloft that made me fat....bummer!

I'm also not feeling so run down or anything either.  Don't feel like I'm coming down with something anymore, almost back to normal in my energy levels.  Although I reckon I could still use some more energy ;)

Mood wise, I notice that when I'm agitated it's more pronounced.....which is probably what normal people feel like when they're not being doped up with zoloft LOL.  I still feel every emotion, but they are a little more exagerated than what they were while on the meds.

I'm learning who I am without the depression and without being on medication.  I've had to learn what my personality REALLY is, without all that.  And I don't think I've really figured it out yet.  At the moment I'm just going with the flow and letting it all happen.

I'm enjoying not flipping out everytime I come off my meds (by forgetting my prescription)...I realise I'm probably not as neurotic as I once thought LOL

So all in all it's been a positive move coming off zoloft and I'm very happy I did it!

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Woman's Circle.

I had a unique experience yesterday...but a familiar one at the same time. I went to the markets and hung out in the 'red tent' and we had, what's called, a woman's circle.  Basically woman sit around and pass around a 'talking bowl' and the person who's holding the talking bowl speaks about whatever that's on their mind, then passes the bowl to the next person. 

I have heard of that concept before where the person holding the 'baseball bat' or some other inanimate object get to speak and no one interrupts them, a very good way of getting heard where you would probably be interrupted a million times.

At the beginning we all held hands and conjured the earth's energy into the circle through our own energy...or something like that.  It was all very familiar, in the sense that it seemed very controled and religious.  Everyone is quiet while we 'pray' for the Holy Spirit to come into the congregation etc etc...bowing one's head and closing one's eyes.  Of course, me being a christian, I only invited one energy into that circle and asked only one God for his hand on us during that time....so maybe it brought the 'religious' aspect that way.  Although 'religion' isn't just about faith in God, it's also about faith in anything...the goddess even, or the universe.  Religion is also about something you do over and over religiously.  I wouldn't think it was a negative thing....it was kind of nice to have one objective within the circle, even if we were praying to a different god. 

But there was one negative thing that, I felt, was a bit on the unnatural side....while one is holding the bowl and speaking, we weren't allowed to placate the person.  So if someone was starting to feel sad and get teary...the natural side of me (and most women) is to give the person a hug or say 'there there' or something...and we weren't to do that, we just let the person feel that feeling.  Although I can understand why one would need to do that....I still felt that it went against what women do best, which is nurturing, comfort etc  So I kinda felt that my hands were tied behind my back a little...controled, repressed...just with that aspect.  Although there is nothing really 'wrong' with that, I did find it strange that us women are trying to get back to our roots and fighting for who we really are and to escape oppression...so to be told 'No you arn't allowed to do what comes natural to you' sort of goes against that a tad. But I'm not one to buck the system, so I sat on my hands and used a lot of facial expressions to give that comfort...a lot of nodding (yes I get it!) etc etc 

I love being a woman, I love supporting other women...is one of the reasons why I want to become a midwife and a lactation consultant, I want to be able to faciliate women's strengths and teach them how feel liberated in a controled environment (such as the hospital).  To be able to do what one wants within the contrains of rules...to ask what one wants, to be assertive enough to 'command' (in the way one carries themselves) for what one wants.

I felt this during my own births...I felt like I was the boss here and those nurses were there to serve me which meant that however medicated (or unmedicated) my birth was, I still felt in control and that my body and my wishes were being respected.  Obviously I, myself, was limited by my knowledge...but we all are...in our everyday lives even...but the biggest thing is to feel like we are not feeling violated in any way.

This is what I want for women, so yesterday has encouraged me even more to get what I want :)

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Coming off zoloft - cold turkey!

Yes cold turkey!   I'm an idiot right?

Well it started accidently really.  Sometimes I forget to renew my prescription and I'd go a few days up to a week without it and I'd start turning a bit 'manic' and quickly go and get on them again.

I've been on them for over 5 years now and I've had from 100mg to 50mg over the years but have been steady on 50mg since a little after having Flynn (2 years ago). 

I've been contemplating for a while whether to come off them or not and I've been a bit scared because my life, suffering from depression on and off for years, was hell and I simply did not want to go back there again. But recently, I was supporting a friend who was going through a marriage breakdown due (mostly) to verbal and emotional abuse by her husband and she concluded that she wasn't the crazy one after all and that it was the people (or person) around her that made her crazy....

So having forgotten to renew my prescription once again, I thought about what she had said and decided to just carry it through and see how I go cold turkey.  And to be honest, I really don't know how long it's been so far but I'm guessing it's been about 2 weeks so far...and well and truly by now I should be going nutso...but I'm not!

I think having someone around me who seemed crazier than I has helped, I also HAD to seem stable to be able to support her properly (no point both of us falling apart)  I also figured that a lot of the depression came to a head during my 10 year marriage to my ex husband and figure that maybe....just maybe....he was the one that caused me to spiral into depression time and time again.  He's no longer in the picture, and I have this wonderful wonderful man, in my life now (for the past 5 years) who really and truly loves the person I am and I know it...I know it deep down.  So even in trimes of stress, its different because I know I am loved.

I've also worked on a lot of issues from the past (my upbringing) that I've since come to terms with and have reconciled in my mind.  I've learned how to deal with these things better, I've learned to be a more 'down to earth' person by not taking things too seriously in life.  Aaron's helped with that, by being that way himself...naturally...then my eldest daughter is becoming more and more like that and as my other children grow, they are too....they are my inspiration!

So now I sit here...2 weeks into my 'accidently, on purpose, going off zoloft' stint and I must say I am amazed at how well I'm doing.  I have not felt manic in any way...I'm not climbing the walls.  I feel happy when I'm happy, sad when I'm sad, angry when I'm angry...like any other shmuck.  By now I should be going down big time, and I'm not...so that's a start.

I am having a few other side affects though...and after doing a bit of a google search I can recognise them for what they are...I'm having the occasional brain zaps (feelings of vertigo) not as much as I used to though, I'm feeling very tired and run down...but can still have times of energy,  I'm having cold symptoms where I feel like I'm coming down with a cold...again...but on research it seems that this could be a side affect (withdrawal of sorts even though zoloft isn't addictive)  It's hard to tell if I am actually fighting a cold (therefore feeing tired and run down from that) or if it IS actually the withdrawal...but either way it's ok, it's managable and I'm sure over time it'll get better!

There's been reports of insomnia or restless sleep but I don't have that at all....I sleep fine when I'm not being kicked in the head by my 2 year old who insists on climbing into my bed in the middle of the night ;)  Also nausea...which I don't have...and various other things, which, I'm happy to report, I don't have either.

Still it's early days yet but somehow I can't see these things rearing their ugly heads anytime soon.

I did get a supplement the other day from the health food shop, to help with moods and things, something called 'Same Gold' which is really expensive, which I'll take till it's gone and then I might move onto st John's wart or something...B6..whatever.  It's only been a few days and because I'm feeling so tired I can't tell if it's helping or not...I guess it is, I feel kinda neutral in my mood, and if I do get annoyed or feel anxiety, it seems to just come and go and I'm back to feeling neutral again.  And that's fine by me!

So I guess I'll keep writing about this, as I go along...and document any changes as I go, I'd like to see if it makes a difference to my weight or not (lose weight) as I have gained a fair bit over the last 5 years, and I've always put it down to the fact that not only have I had 2 kids in the last 5 years but I've also been lazy and not exercised and getting older and stuff....but wouldn't it be wonderful if it was the zoloft all along??  One can only hope ;)

Bye for now...and I'll be back when I have something else to report :)

ETA - I've also been getting the odd headache, but they come and go very quickly...nothing to write home about :)

Thursday, 13 October 2011

The Reception..

I'm so excited that I thought I'd add a few pics of what my reception is going to look like...or close to it anyway...

This is the kind of lighting I'll have, but I'll have it changing throughout the night.  Brighter for dinner and speeches and darker for the dancing part.  I can actually have it where it will automatically vary throughout the night to different colours.
I'll be having the swag on the ceiling there, the chair covers will be the fitted licra ones rather than the ones they have there.  The pink will be paler too.
This is the centrepiece I'm having only it will have lights in the branches and I THINK I may have a light in the base as well...I don't know yet.  I'll have a mirrored thing that it will sit on too. 
This is what my bridal table will hopefully look like.

So Excited about my Wedding.

Well things are coming along...slowly.  I got my corset lingerie and my Tiara last week.  And I'm about to order my wedding dress and petticoat.  I have a mixture of excitement and nerves here as I'm getting the dress from ebay. 

I know, I know...it's not the wisest choice but I've heard great things about it and it's cheap but not cheap looking.  My own sister got her dress from ebay and loved it, it fit perfectly and was well made.  I've heard a few other people who were happy with their dresses also.  And when you think about it, all those dresses in the shops are made in the same factories...just without the huge markups.

So I've chosen the dress...I've checked out the seller, I've read all their reviews and I'm about 98% confident that it's going to be alright.  It's just that 2% that has me a tad worried but I'm willing to risk it...for the price.

So this is happening next week and I'll get my dress about 6 or so weeks after that, and according to the reviews it may even be quicker....so exciting!!!!

So at the moment, I'm trawling through pictures of hairstyles I want and I think I've narrowed it down to something like this....

Front
Back

I'll have a tiara and a 2 tiered cathedral veil (yes I'm going all out) and the second tier can be removed for the reception so it's not annoying - that's what I like about it.  I wonder how difficult the hairstyle is?  I haven't chosen my stylist yet but their prices seem to vary according to the difficulty of the style, and I have no idea what constitutes difficult and easy LOL

Actually what I might do is email these pics...yeh that'd be the best way.

*sigh* this is all getting so exciting...I can't stop thinking about it all!!!

Thursday, 29 September 2011

More Wedding Packages on the Way!

Well I ordered my corset yesterday. A proper one where the bones are steal not plastic. Hopefully it will sit nice under the dress. Needless to say I'll be working on losing a little bit of weight between now and then so I can look my best and the corset doesn't have to do too much work. It's a nice satin one with lace, it's really pretty and perfect for the 'corset style' top of the wedding dress.

Then when I get the corset I'll get my measurements while it's on and then order my wedding dress! Won't be long now!

I ordered my tiara as well...don't know if I'll wear it, it depends on how it looks on with the veil etc...that's what the hair trial is for It didn't cost that much anyway if I don't use it.

Can't wait to get them...I love getting packages in the mail!

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Found my Dress




Wednesday, 21 September 2011

We Mourn Common Sense.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
 
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:-Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm;- Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault.
 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
 
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
 
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights,I Want It Now,Someone Else Is To Blame,I'm A Victim.Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, do nothing.

Extravagant vs Simple

Haven't done much more lately, 'cept I've have put another $2000 on our wedding venue.  And I think I've changed my mind on my choice of wedding dress again 0

Anyway I have a bit of a beef...I'm getting sick of people tell me to keep it 'simple'.  I don't mean that they are dictating to me....nothing like that.  How can I explain?  Well for instance when they share their opinion on something or other they say that they like it because it's 'simple'.  Which is fine and everything but don't people think it's boring??

Take wedding dresses for example...all I ever see is the same old wedding dress...A-line with simple beading and perhaps a little embellishment here and there...you don't see anything extravigant anymore!  I don't mean vulgar either...just something a bit different or a little more fancy.  Something that will cause someone to take a double take and go 'wow...what a dress' instead of 'Oh yes that's nice...seen it before but ya know...it's pretty'.


<---Look at this.


<----- then look at this.

See the difference?  The first one is simple...the second one has that little bit extra.  The first one (or variation of) seems to be what most people choose, very rarely do I see anything different.  Gets a bit boring.

Same with makeup.  I've been ringing around for makeup artists and some of them say that I'd want something 'simple'.  Well no....I don't.  When I wear make up myself it's 'simple' so I may as well do my own make up.  No, what I want is to look different...not like a whore but perhaps like a movie star, with the air brushed look - you know!  That's what I want.

I don't get the 'simple' trend.  I wear simple everyday...jeans and t-shirt!  But I think that on my wedding day I'd want a little bit more than just 'simple'.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

I'm too Sexy...

Do you ever prance through your house like a supermodel?  Or is it just me?

When I'm in a particularly good mood and kinda energetic I like to strut through my house like I'm Miranda freaking Kerr!!  Our house is pretty big, it has to be to house 6 kids.  And it has a very loooooong hallway that you almost need a cut lunch every time you want to go to the toilet or whatever.  So it's a perfect catwalk.

I get the momentum going and even think that I could lose some weight doing it...like a whole 1 gram maybe?  Better than nothing!  So every time I strut down my hallway this way and I think I'm so super sexy and I could so  be a supermodel I am brought down to earth as soon as come into the vacinity of .....

....a mirror!!!

Oh God!  What am I doing????  Look at me!

LOOK AT ME!!!!!

I'm a freak!  Man I'm ugly!

UGLY!

And today in particular my face is recovering from a terrible incident involving some 'Gamma Hydroxy' compound that's been shoved in a jar with a very expensive sounding label on it that's suppose to magically make you look younger...that I'm obviously allergic too.  So yeh, My face has felt like it's burning for the last week....it has a couple of discreet dots on it and today it's a litttle on the puffy side.  It's getting better but it's S L O W!.

So of course, saundering past the mirror like I'm the most gorgeous beauty to ever walk the planet, and taking a brief glimpes of my burning face...my shoulders slump and I'm immediately aware of the reality that is my face.

The rest of the day is spend moping around in a depressive state!

I hate Miranda Kerr!

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Racism.

Yes an attitude that people really hate and if they don't they should right?  But has anyone ever thought that there may be differing levels of racism?

A - Full on redneck style racism.  They spew hate in every aspect of their lives.  They will go to the extreme of bashing those of differing races either verbally or physically.  They may even have a lot of symbols exhibited in their homes, like swaztikas and rebel flags and things.  They will openly bawlk at interacial marriages and relationships and the like.  And if I were a criminal profiler I would hazard a guess that they are narcissistic who fully believe in their own superirioty in all areas, not just the colour of their skin.  They may hate homosexuals and women too and anything and anybody 'different' to them.  As to them, different means inferior.  An ordinary empathetic person would simply not wish to associate with someone like that.  As their hatred would just ooze from their pores and poison almost every relationship they touch. 

B - Racism based on fear.  Perhaps they've experienced or seen some negitivity with other races and this scares them.  And we all know that fear comes out in a form of anger too so they seem angry at other races.  I don't think they really believe they are superior and they would go so far as to be verbally or physically aggressive but they certain let their opinions known anytime the subject comes up.  They always know someone who knows someone who did this or that and this would then prove that this particular race is bad.  Logic would tell them that not everyone is the same and that you get bad eggs in every race but they won't listen because the emotion that their experiences conjure up is too great.  They can be friends with others because they tend to try and cover their attitude up as best they can as they know it's not socially acceptable.  Generally they can shock people when their real attitudes are revealed and hence may lose credibility as a person.

C - Racism based on logic.  Generally quite logical people who base their beliefs in reality rather than ideals.  They have no problems with other races but can see a real problem with introducing other races into societies who are having difficulties supporting their own.  This seems logical to them and they can't see how this can be classed as 'hatred' or 'superiority'.  It just makes sense that once a cup is full...it's full!  How can you fill it anymore?  So they'll voice this quite a bit in conversations and they generally are well supported in their views.  The media will also confirm their fears for them and they'd feel validated in their beliefs and can't see anything wrong with it really. 

D - Racism based on ignorance.  These are people who are generally lovely people.  They empathise with great many people but when faced with 'logic' they forget their empathy for a moment and readily agree with their logistics.  They'll be the ones who click 'like' on facebook pages or copy and paste statuses...they may even have a bumper sticker on their car.  They'll nod mindlessly and agree with all the logical people, because they make sense to them.  However if one was to point out to them the plight of certain people from certain races...they can actually feel empathy and over time the empathetic in them will be at odds with their logistics  and if nurtured can actually turn them into people who can see both sides of the coin but can no longer bring themselves to agree fully on the logistics of catagory C.

Now I'm sure I haven't covered everyone.  There are others like being racist agains your own race and reverse racism etc etc.  But these are the main ones, I believe, can be defined.

What's really bugging me about people's intolerance against racists is that, although it is a very righteous attitude to have generally, it is somewhat in errant of the fact that not everyone is in the same basket.  This intolerance against racism and bigotry can actually start to look like bigotry on it's own.  When one puts everyone in the same catagory, we then run the risk of looking like the racist who put all races in the same catagory too.  Is this what we want to look like??? 

It's one thing to strongly abhor racism but it's a whole other thing to refuse to separate racism from the racist.  Kind of like loving the sinner but hating the sin.  Now in those who are in Catagory A and B where their racism oozes through every aspect of their lives and lifestyle then no, you really can't separate the sin from the sinner.  They live and they breath it.  But for those in catagory C and D where their racism really isn't based on hatred is it really that abhorant to want to try and be more tolerant and understanding of these people?

Treating them like lepers isn't going to help the situation, I feel.  Being intolerant will only confirm their own  intolerance and ignorance.  A lot can be said for being influential and 'rubbing off' on those who havn't quite looked far enough into why they believe as they do.

I'm sure the lowly housewife who is a lovely down to earth person, who empathise with many a plight and who unthinkingly clicked 'like' on a facebook page, would be devastated if they found out that they've been put in the same basket as Catagory A.  How horrific to find out that they are hated and detested.  And then....to one day think it through and realise they made a mistake in the way they were thinking...and knowing that it's too late that they've already got a reputation of being a racist redneck...:(  How sad!

You know, I don't like racism but I also don't like the self-righteous either.  I feel that they can be just as bad as those that they detest in a lot of ways.  They too seem to ooze hatred and intolerance.  I don't think I would like to be that person either.

So which catagory am I in?  Well I was a cross between catagory C and catagory D.  I'm a realist.  And I see most things logically.  However I'm also a nice down to earth type person who is accepting of most people, as long as you're nice too ;)  However because I mixed with a lot of tolerant people who were able to 'rub off' on me some understanding and empathy I am now no longer a racist.

How cool is that???  Just because someone who detests racism can actually see throught their own self-righteousness and recognise that no...not every racist is the same...that their tolerance was the medicine that I needed to be cured!

Thank God for the REAL understanding, empathetic and tolerant people.  As for the rest of you???  Well, you're not helping the issue...you're hindering.  And as the saying goes..."Evil exists because good people do nothing"...hope you enjoy your time in switzerland, while those at the hand of racists, continue to suffer, because you are too lazy to conjure up enough tolerance to help them.

Shame on you!

#%^$$^&*&^^%

Yeh cos that's all I can think of to title this post,,,,

Anyway update is that Aaron called centrelink and told them everything that I had done and she reckons that I didn't have to do all that and that she doesn't know why I was told to ring the ATO  >:D >:D >:D

Hmmmm yeh.."Hello, I'm left hand and I don't know what the right hand is doing"

So disregard everything I said about centrelink....obviously the first time, I got a dropkick who didn't know what he was talking about  :-\

Reporting to Centrelink...

...that you don't have to put a tax return in.

So today I thought I'd better let centrelink know that I'm not putting in a tax return this year again. Only things have apparantely changed now. Unlike every other year you have to now ring the ATO and get an exemption from there. Ok first time I've heard of it but apparantly this has been the case since 2009. Even though I didn't ring the ATO last year, it still has in my records that I received an exemption. So either the centrelink still took the info from their clients or they got the info from the ATO. Nevertheless, even though I didn't need to do it last year, I had to do it this year.

So then I ring the ATO who almost sent me to go and pick up a tax pack and fill in the exemption form and send it in, but then put me on hold and came back and asked me a few questions and declared that I'm now exempt. Then asks me if I wanted them to let ATO know (I thought I was on the phone to the ATO ) or fill in the form and send it in myself. I said for them to do it...then they proceeded to put me on hold again while they transfer me to someone who can do that for me. (Why couldn't she?)

A guy comes on and instead of merely putting through the exemption and giving me some sort of number (or something...I had no idea what centrelink needed) to give to centrelink, he had a look at my file and it seems I am 'outstanding' (that's the word he used) in my tax returns for the last however many years. Well duh...because I've been exempt because I haven't worked. And the fact that no employer has witheld tax for me didn't give the ATO a hint that I wasn't working.

Apparantly I had to ring them every year and tell THEM I'm exempt (and yet centrelink want me to call them to find out if I'm exempt, but they don't know until I tell them...so why can't I just tell centrelink like every other year ). He then used scare tactics and told me I risk being fined for not putting in a tax return, even though I don't have to WTF???

Meanwhile I ask him several times if he could just give me an exemption number to give to centrelink, to which he played dumb by saying that there isn't any number or anything for me to give me and that he didn't deal with centrelink nor are they linked with centrelink (funny since they somehow miraculously know what my dh's income was for the last financial year...but they're not linked )

So a lot of holding went on with me getting more irate because this was a 13 number and this guy wasn't making sense to me. He then asks if I want him to update my file...which I agreed then had to be put on hold AGAIN for about 5 mins while he does that, because he apparantely needed me sitting on hold while he did it, only to take me off hold and proclaim that it is now done and for me to call the ATO every year, in future.

Then...

He tells me to tell centrelink that a 'return was not necessary' and to quote this receipt number XXXXXXX.

Umm hello?? Didn't I like ask for this several times???

I ended up being rude and saying.....

"THANK YOU!! Now if you had given me that like about 45 mins ago I would have been satisfied and hung up...like this...." Then hung up on him!

Monday, 12 September 2011

Bangs Head Against Wall....over and over...

Most on my fb would know I'm in a real sh!t mood right now but I'm just so over my life right now!

Moving to toowoomba was always the plan and now I'm ready to pack it all in and move back to Brisbane.  I'm so over being a single mum of 6 for a week at a time.  I did not sign up for this, not one bit!!!!  Had I known then what I know now we would never have moved yet, we would have waited until the transfer was certain.

But as it happened we had to move because Aaron's parents were coming back and we were living in their house and they needed their house back.  And the cost of rentals in Brisbane for what we needed was phenominal!!  But now I'm thinking, with the money we spend by him living down there and me living up here, we probably could have done it! 

We were told two things....firstly that Aaron could get a transfer from the Brisbane city watchouse (QLD police) to the Toowoomba watchouse, and I was thinking that it would take from about Sept to Dec to get the transfer....which was fine by me.  But when this seemed dependant upon positions available in Toowoomba, Aaron went and spoke to the Sargent there who told him that they'd be opening a position in Aug/Sept this year and that they'd gladly have him there and that the job was practically his when the time came.

We heard nothing in the mean time, but in June/July Aaron rang the sargent to confirm this position.  The sargent didn't have time to talk to him so asked him to email instead.  Aaron did that and when the first email was ignored, he emailed again...which was also ignored.  It seems to me, like, there is no position and that the sargent has to fob Aaron off because then he'd have to explain himself.

So Aaron goes to HR and finds out ways he could get a transfer on compassionate grounds and he's put in one form already.  Then he speaks to his boss who says he would try to get things moving for him.  Then he speaks to the QLd police COMMISSIONER the big gun!!  Who says that he'd look into it and to send yet another form through HR but really lay it on thick about the need for the transfer!

Meanwhile Aaron's going for other government positions...he's gone for a position for QR National (Queensland Rail) about two months ago and has yet to hear from them.  He's rung them and they're still short listing people so this is going to take months.  He went for another job he didn't get and it's just getting so hard!!!

I'm sick of waiting.  I've been patient for a year! I can't do this anymore!  I don't want to be alone anymore!  It's putting a strain on our family, especially the little kids because Daddy seems to be in and out of their lives and they play up every time he comes home or leaves.  The older kids get used to not having their step dad around then he comes home and throws authority around and the kids look at him like 'You don't live here!!".  And I'm sooooooo lonely!  I'm sick of it just being me doing everything!!!! 

I didn't do the single mum thing very well before....and I'm not doing very well with it now either!!!!  The emotional strain and the isolation and lonliness is driving me insane and I don't know how much longer I can hang on for!!!  Before, at least, there was an end for me to look forward to...Aug/Sept...so I just held onto that!  But now there is no end....no end in sight!!  And I'm facing having to do this indefinetly until something changes!

Uni next year can go down the drain cos although I know that single mums can do it...I'm yet to meet someone who is single with 6 KIDS able to do it on their own.  This is not what I signed up for and It's getting old!!  Very very old!!

If you've read this whole post...then cudos to you...you deserve it.  At least I'm not swearing in this one!!!

And we have a Celebrant!

Celebrant is picked, in the end I got my own way LOL Because he really didn't care as much as he claimed...idiot.

Anyway we have a lovely indian lady who was just lovely. She only does it because she loves weddings so much and she loves steaking beaking at everyone's dresses and things LOL I know she'll be good because this isn't her bread and butter...she does it out of sheer enjoyment.

She can also mix our music for us to stop and start when we like and she does it all, I don't have to nominate anyone to do it for us - which annoyed me about the other lady. All these other extras too which is great and I can't wait to go through her little 'vow' book so we can pick some really cool vows.

Oh oh and we have decided to do the celtic tradition of 'handfasting' (hands together wrapping a cord around the hands). Dh is very proud of his irish heritage so yeh he really wants this.

The celebrant offered the 'sands' ceremony to signify the union of our families (children) but I don't like it because we are already unified so there's no real point.

All in all I'm very happy with our choice of celebants

Paid our venue deposit too so it's now set in stone!

Which Celebrant?? Ugh!!!

So we met up with a few celebrants yesterday and we're have a dilemma. We both have different views on who we like and who we don't like it's awful!

I know what will happen, in the end he'll say that it's my day and I should choose but that's not what I want. I want us both to like her and to be excited about it grrrrrr. I think we'll have to sit down and list pros and cons on them all.

One issue I have is that one of the ladies who we both didn't like has actually gone out of her way and thought about our ceremony and written a mock up one already and includes a very personal but funny reading about us and everything. This is one we thought wasn't all that good, but she's going above and beyond and everything and we haven't even chosen her yet.

Then one that we both liked doesn't do music, which means I'm going to have to nominate someone to do stop and start the music and stuff, otherwise we have to pay her an extra $50 for her to get someone to do it for us...huh?

I don't know...

The Things People do to get your Business.

So a couple of weeks ago we met up with the functions co-ordinator at Burke and Wills motel to look at using one of their function rooms. It all seemed nice and everything even though we didn't choose it...it's all good. Anyway chatting to the lady and telling her that we hadn't looked for a celebrant yet and she tells us that they're all booked out and that one bride had to get one from Sydney for $2000.

Anyway so I'm panicing by this stage thinking how hard it's going to be to find one yadda yadda. But Aaron, being the smart guy that he is, reckoned that she was lying to us trying to get us to use her 'prefered' celebrant (especially if we used their venue).

Well it turned out he was right. I started searching yesterday and everyone that I emailed got back to me within 1/2 hour and told me that they were available for the 18 of Feb...and I even got a few phone calls. So basically I can choose!!!

*shakes head* why do people lie? Like seriously? Did she think we wouldn't find out that she had us going? So glad we didn't pick their venue now!

We have a Date!!!

Well got an email back from Highfields and there are no spaces for march or april So 18th of Feb it is!!!

We have a date!!!!

Ebay is my Friend!

Well been doing research on ebay for invitations and bombonieres and...I reckon I can make my own invites including getting inserts printed for around $50something. And I can get Bom's with stickers with guest names on them for $50 something as well! How awesome is that!!!!

Ebay is my friend

Looking for hair accessories atm...veils and things. Have no idea how to have my hair.

And it's about Time!!!

Yes after being together for 5 and a half years and two children, we're finally tying the knot!!

Ok the date is going to be 18th of Feb. 2012. However we might change this depending if the venue has the space in March or April. It's going to be so hot in Feb!!! But if we can't change it then 18th Feb it is!

We've chosen our venue at Highfields Cutlural Centre - we love it because of the lighting effects that they have and the fact that we can get married outside and the guests don't have to go anywhere! We can go off and get a few photos and the guests can mingle around a lovely outdoor area having canap├ęs and drinks before being ushered into the reception area.

My colour is going to be pale pink - love pink! I'm having my children in the bridal party and Aaron's having his brother as his best man.

I've ordered and paid for the girl's bridesmaid dresses $156.95 altogether from Dino's direct custom made. Bought Cassidy's flowergirl dress for $50 bargain!

Photography is going to be free as my cousin's going to do it - yay

A friend's going to do the cake at around $150

And am looking online ATM for invitations and bomboneires! I've found some plastic boxes that you could put ribbon around and they come with a sticker with the guest's name on it for free. So technically I could get the bom's and the place cards for one price...but still shopping because I think I can get them separate for cheaper still.

I think I'm going to make my own invites so looking on ebay atm for supplies for that...cheap as.

Next port of call is to find a celebrant!

The Wedding Plans Continue.

I haven't written anything for a little while but that doesn't mean I haven't been writing.  I have, I've been writing about our wedding plans etc, which, ironically, have exploded into something bigger than what we've planned...funny as!  But we figure we may as well just do it one time and properly, with all the bells and whistles rather than having a second rate BBQ then doing the whole wedding thing later.  He's gotten a pay rise so we reckon we can make it so...

Anyway, the next few posts are from another forum I frequent, with all the updates of the wedding and a few other things.

I haven 't been slack...honest! :)

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Feeling better today.

Spoke to Aaron about how I'm feeling and I feel a lot better about everything now.  It seems that he wasn't flirting that's not what he does.  He was trying to change the subject and asking why she's so beautiful and amazing was the first thing he thought of.  He also only joined that xxx book thing because the guys at work were going on about how it's on the news and things and he joined up to see what the fuss was about, then he never went back.  When you look at the friend requests in his email none of them had been opened which meant he didn't even look at any of them.

He understands that it was all innaproprate and that he's real sorry and recognises that if it had been me that had done that then he would have had the same questions I did.  He understands completely. 

I feel a lot better about everything now and feel that I'm his girl again - thank God!

Our wedding is being pushed up too...he wants to hurry up and marry me to show how serious he really is about us.  So yes it's going to be a simple little ceremony at the Toowoomba Magestrates with just us and our children, which will be really very nice I think.  I'm thinking about maybe having a BBQ afterwards with the rest of my family and friends and just hang out.

Oooooh I love him...as silly as he is sometimes and how he doesn't always think things through.  But that's just him.

He didn't cheat....

But everytime I look at him or think of him I'm wondering if he's telling someone else how beautiful and amazing they are.  Because he's done it and I really don't know how many times but I know he's asked some girl "Why are you so beautiful and amazing".  Wouldn't be such a big drama if he didn't tell me that all the time, to the point where I actually felt beautiful and amazing TO HIM.  Now I don't anymore.  I feel like Anything with a vagina would be beautiful and amazing to him.  Not just me.  They could be the ugliest most stupidist girl in the world, but apparantly they could be beautiful and amazing too.  There's only room for one beautiful and amazing girl in his life....I will not share that status.  I will not! :(

Has it always been this way?  Can he say those things to just any girl?  Does he mean it?  Is he joking?  Did he mean it to me and not to anyone else?  What was he fishing for exactly and what would have happened if he got a bite?  He says he doesn't even know why he said it...Ok so people just flirt with others and they don't know why?  Bullshit!!!  Bull fucking shit!!!!

And then to join up that stupid xxx book shit...what was he thinking???  Curiosity?  To see what was out there?  All he had to do was ask me and I would tell him...there are skanks, skanks and more skanks because they're the type who would add people as a 'friend' on those sites and they're skantily clad to boot...bargain hey!  Why have me when you can have a skanky whore who thinks that their body is the only thing of worth that sleazy men would like? 

He said he didn't do anything with it and he wouldn't have taken anything further with anyone and I believe that he didn't...I really do.  But I now don't believe that he won't in the future.  This has scared the shit out of me and I hate feeling this way about him but everytime I think of him I get butterflies in the stomach and I feel sick.  I'm shit scared that he's going to say this to the one girl who would reciprocate and bam!  That's it!  We would be over and everything that we've worked for for the last 5 years would be for nothing.

Again, I would be faced wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep my men. 

It's going to take a long time to get the trust back, if it ever comes back at all.  And I'm always going to wonder, with every compliment he gives me (because he's good with the compliments), is he giving the same compliment to some sheila in the hopes that they flirt back and want to do something with him.

This sucks and it's going to eat away with me until we do something about it.  I don't know what...but I'll chew on it and chew on it and it won't be any good for our relationship.  Gee I wish he'd thought of that before he did it!!

Monday, 25 July 2011

Taking Responsibility

More and more, these days, I see people continually refusing to take any responsibility for their own lives.  Even just a small part.  Why is it that we feel that talking responsibility is such a bad thing?  Is it because we are afraid that people are going to go "Ha so it is your fault...no compassion for you!"  Why can't we have compassion for those who make bad decisions in their lives.  We all make crappy decisions but we can learn from them and move on.  We can even help and teach others in the hopes that they don't make the same decisions.

I was part of a discussion, yesterday, regarding Amy Winehouse and her sad demise.  The message that I got from the whole discussion is that people refuse to take responsibility for the part they play in their own addiction to drugs.  I felt that there was a lot of negativity in the way these people think and that they don't wish to take control of their lives.  It seems that because they've been told that addiction is a 'disease' that they somehow feel 'That's it... I'm doomed'.  It's almost like they're continually pushing their own control away from themselves and putting it on a ....a belief?  Instead of owning it and taking control they wallow in victim land and expect everyone else to wallow with them in sympathy.

These kind of attitudes, in itself, is a disease of sorts that needs to be cured.  I'm not sure that validating these attitudes is the way to do it, but attempting to give them another perspective, ends up with people attacking you and your own opinion that might differ from the status quo.  My opinion might be wrong...or it might be a little bit right?  But it seems that no one wants to even contemplate it out of fear.  Fear of what?  Responsibility?  Is this something to fear?  Maybe it is.  It's the unknown isn't it.  People fear the unknown and they don't want any part of it.  Staying the victim is safe.  Staying the victim keeps you innocent.  Staying the victim keeps you blameless.  But it doesn't have to be that way.

A certain comment that I read yesterday made me cold.  The comment was "If I have to go through one more thing I know that I will use again".  Wow!!!  Ok is this what this person is telling themselves?  Everyday?  What kind of a message is this?  And it's any wander they're still a victim of their addiction because this is what they've already decided for their lives and they haven't even finished living it yet.

If this is what they're telling themselves then where do they get this idea?  Is this what others are telling them?  That they are teetering on this presipice and they have no control on whether they fall or not?  This is a falsehood that they are led to believe.  They've taken their own freedom of will away.  They've decided for themselves that choice doesn't enter in.  Well I believe they are wrong!  So so wrong!  They are stronger than they think they are and I wish someone had the guts to tell them that without fear of being attacked themselves for daring to go against the status quo.

It seems everyone else wants to leave them where they are...wallowing in their own past, not ever taking control of their own lives or choices and then when they fall again say 'See?  We were right!"    Well you are...but at what cost??

I was told yesterday that I oughta hope that my kids don't become drug addicts and that maybe my view might change if they did.  Well maybe it will but I highly doubt it.  I know myself enough to know that I really don't think my opinion is going to change much.  I'm a realist and have been one most of my life.  I've had many bad things happen to me and mine and I'm still a realist.  I see things for what they are....I try not to lie to myself and tell myself that I'm a victim.  I'm not a freakin' victim because I choose to take my power back and yet there are those who continually give their power away.

I teach my kids about consequences and responsibility.  I tell them if they don't make the right choices in life then they will have to deal with the consequences of that, no matter what they are.  That's not to say that I, as their mother, isn't going to support them or help them through difficult situations when they happen, but I'm not going to stop teaching it.  I teach them if they don't do their homework then they will be punished at school.  I teach them that if they don't pay attention in class then they're marks are going to suffer which will, in turn, cause difficulty later on.  I tell them if they don't put their clothes in the wash they simply won't get washed.  And when they earn money I'll be teaching them that if they spend their money on crap then they won't be able to pay their bills.

There are a myraid of reasons why someone may make a bad decision.  And some of these reasons are very sad ones but it doesn't change the consequences and it doesn't magically take the choice out of their hands and into this cosmic world that forces your hand.

This is what I teach my kids but it seems society is passing the buck more and more and making excuses for bad decisions all the time rather than owning them.  And I ask....Is this really wise???

Well is it?

Friday, 22 July 2011

Hair Glorious Hair

All my life I had thick wavy, sometimes frizzy hair.  It might sound nice but it always looked messy unless I scrunched it up with mousse.  Which was fine during the 80's and 90's when big hair was the fashion but now now when sleek and shiny with a little bit of curl is in.

Then came the invention of the hair straightener, well they were probably always around but back in my day they were curling wands and crimpers rather than straighteners.  But enter the straightener and suddenly we had us poor sods spending hours in front of the mirror straightening and restraightening our locks over and over.  For some people with normal to thin hair it's relatively easy but for people like me with thick hair...and lots of it...and not to mention being a busy mum of 6 - I just didn't have to time!!  So straightening was something I did on the odd (very odd) occasion and usually I had help (eg my sisters attacking my hair)

If only there was a way that one could have it permanantly straightened!  You know, like they have the technology to curl straight hair...surly they can work out how to straighten curly hair!

Well they did, but the product stripped your hair and left your hair dry and awful.  Everyone I asked recommended for me NOT to do it.  Even hairdressers, who you'd think would be after the money, never recommended I wreck my hair like that.  Gah!  Come on! 

Then one day, about a year and a half ago, my sister, who had very thick course wavy red hair got hers chemically straightened using the latest in chemicals that didn't wreck your hair!!!

Too good to be true?

Well I watched and I asked her questions all the time.  I waited to see if her hair would eventually become dry and gross.  I waited to see if she would regret it so much that she wished she never did it.  She went on a tour of Europe and came back with her hair looking fabulous even with regrowth it just looked so tame and beautiful.

But it costs a bundle so I started saving and saving to get it done myself and finally my husband gave me the money for my birthday to get it done.

About 2 and a half weeks ago now I went on down and sat for 4 hours at the hairdressers getting my hair chemically straightened and I have to say I LOVE IT!!!!!

My hair is silky and shiny and gorgeous and so so easy to manage.  It actually looks like I've actually brushed my hair!  I don't regret it - not one bit!  It's the best investment I've ever made and I recommend it to anyone!

So if you've thinking about getting your hair chemically straightened - do it!  With the new products out these days they will not wreck your hair and will leave your hair feeling silky and soft and neat and STRAIGHT!!!

Hail to straight hair!!! 




Thursday, 2 June 2011

Word of the Day??

Fail!

Nope not going to do it anymore as it is boring!  And nobody reads them anyway.  I can't remember half the words so it's not like I've learned anything.

So let's just put that down to a failed experiment shall we?

Irresponsible Cat Owners.

That's us!  Yes we're the ones you hate!

It all started when we were lied to.  My sister in law was moving to Chinchilla.  It was a very quick move with not much time to organise things.  She had and beautiful black older kitten that she needed to get rid of, so we took her in.  At the time we had two cats.  Aaron's parents cat, Missy, who was a real bitch but we loved her anyway.  Kept to herself, didn't bother anyone.  And a fluffy white male cat name Frosty who we loved dearly but decided to adopt the people across the road as his owners so really not our cat anymore. (He still liked to visit though). Both desexed.

Anyway, we took on this kitten and was told that yes she was desexed and all was good.  We named her Cleo and she turned out to be a beautiful cat with a really nice nature. 

So my best friend's cat had kittens and we decided to take on 2 of her kittens a tabby we called Gorgeous and a tortoiseshell we called Malady.  All was good until the very next day I was looking at Cleo thinking that she was getting mighty fat!  Like she's fat...around the tummy area.

Then it hit me..."Oooooh God!  She's freakin knocked up!  Hey Aaron I thought your sister said she was desexed!"  Damn that lying bitch!  We should have known, she lies all the time about everything...grrr

So now we had two little kittens and a pregnant cat.  We had Missy who wasn't around much and Frosty who didn't own us anymore (the traitor).  Yes we could have gotten her desexed anyway but the thought of killing her babies, just didn't appeal to us.  So......we let her have them!

So off she goes and has SIX kittens...yes that's SIX kittens  that we had no idea what to do with. 3 grey, 2 black and 1 black with a white stripe on his nose and white socks.  *sigh*  But they were so cute!  And no we weren't going to take them to the pound that's just cruel...so we started the mammoth task at finding parents for them.

One went to one of Aaron's colleagues at work. (We've since found out that some random kicked her to death...awful!)  One went to one of Dana's friends from school who went on to have babies herself.  One went to Dana's best friend who they named Kiara and who is still much loved.  One was killed by our daughter by accident...loving it to death...literally.  One had gotten outside and was killed by our dog.  And the other one with the stripe, he was also attacked by our dog and was badly injured but pulled through and who we still have and is a much loved beautiful boy named Llstatt (Interview with a Vampire).

So after they were all weaned we went and got Cleo desexed (like good responsible cat owners) only to have some moron hit her with his car and leaving her to die!  It was devastating cos she was such a beautiful cat!

Moving day comes...and we have 3 cats to move.  Llstatt, Gorgeous and Malady.  Malady takes off on us so that left Llstatt and Gorgeous but our dog had to find another home unfortunately.  All is good and we figure that both Llstatt and Gorgeous were still too immature so planned on desexing them as soon as we had the chance.  But we were wrong!  Llstatt is now a tom and Gorgeous is one randy hussy!  Grrrrr so what happens?  You guessed it...Gorgeous gets knocked up!!!!!

Aaaaaagh!!!!!  What the freakin hell!  So now we're feeling even more like irresponsible cat owners because we let it happen - AGAIN!!!  But thankfully, Gorgeous only had 2 kittens (which is apparently normal for a first litter....so I have no idea why Cleo had 6 but anyway) so we weren't as paniced as we were the last time.  We only had to get rid of 2!  One was a beautiful black boy who looked just like Cleo did and the other was a fluffy grey.  We called the fluffy one...er....Fluffy (yes original) and the black one Liquoice.  But we had no idea what we were going to do with them.  Facing the very real possibility that we may have to resort to keeping them.

So whilst waiting for Gorgeous to stop lactating so we can get her desexed....we ask anyone we can to take on the 2 kittens.  Thankfully, Dana's best friend comes to the rescue again and takes on not one but both of them because they fell in love with both!  So now they have Kiara from Cleo's litter and who is the aunt of the two little ones and they have Fluffy and Liquoice who they renamed Luca and River.

*Sigh*...Right...so time to get Gorgeous desexed, you say?  Ya huh!  Excepting one thing....Gorgeous, being as how she only had 2 kittens to feed and although she had only just stopped lactating ....gets knocked up AGAIN!!!! 

Oh yes she did!!!!!

But a strange thing happens and on the 20th of May she only gave birth to one single little kitten!  Just one!  Oh thank God!!!!!  And as it happens my friend Rachel's son Damien fell in love with him and decided to keep him. 

Oh good...so now all we have to do is get him to the eating stage and move him on and we can get Gorgeous fixed up.  But...my son...decided to love him to death...and a few days after he was born, he died.  And although it was a blessing in disguise, it was still very sad and I felt awful because he suffered quite a bit before he died and he hadn't even opened his eyes yet :(

In conclusion...today is the 3rd of June and I very much doubt Gorgeous is in heat yet but if she is I don't care....because she's booked in for monday to get the snip!!!!!  So monday is the day our kitten days are over.  We will never go through that again! 

And after she's done....Llstatt's next, so he best kiss his balls goodbye while he still has them!  Baahaahaaaa!

So next time you have a go at irresponsible cat owners...think of us and how our intentions were good and we didn't mean to be irresponsible but it's just the way it happened.

It all started with a lie!