Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Feeling better today.

Spoke to Aaron about how I'm feeling and I feel a lot better about everything now.  It seems that he wasn't flirting that's not what he does.  He was trying to change the subject and asking why she's so beautiful and amazing was the first thing he thought of.  He also only joined that xxx book thing because the guys at work were going on about how it's on the news and things and he joined up to see what the fuss was about, then he never went back.  When you look at the friend requests in his email none of them had been opened which meant he didn't even look at any of them.

He understands that it was all innaproprate and that he's real sorry and recognises that if it had been me that had done that then he would have had the same questions I did.  He understands completely. 

I feel a lot better about everything now and feel that I'm his girl again - thank God!

Our wedding is being pushed up too...he wants to hurry up and marry me to show how serious he really is about us.  So yes it's going to be a simple little ceremony at the Toowoomba Magestrates with just us and our children, which will be really very nice I think.  I'm thinking about maybe having a BBQ afterwards with the rest of my family and friends and just hang out.

Oooooh I love him...as silly as he is sometimes and how he doesn't always think things through.  But that's just him.

He didn't cheat....

But everytime I look at him or think of him I'm wondering if he's telling someone else how beautiful and amazing they are.  Because he's done it and I really don't know how many times but I know he's asked some girl "Why are you so beautiful and amazing".  Wouldn't be such a big drama if he didn't tell me that all the time, to the point where I actually felt beautiful and amazing TO HIM.  Now I don't anymore.  I feel like Anything with a vagina would be beautiful and amazing to him.  Not just me.  They could be the ugliest most stupidist girl in the world, but apparantly they could be beautiful and amazing too.  There's only room for one beautiful and amazing girl in his life....I will not share that status.  I will not! :(

Has it always been this way?  Can he say those things to just any girl?  Does he mean it?  Is he joking?  Did he mean it to me and not to anyone else?  What was he fishing for exactly and what would have happened if he got a bite?  He says he doesn't even know why he said it...Ok so people just flirt with others and they don't know why?  Bullshit!!!  Bull fucking shit!!!!

And then to join up that stupid xxx book shit...what was he thinking???  Curiosity?  To see what was out there?  All he had to do was ask me and I would tell him...there are skanks, skanks and more skanks because they're the type who would add people as a 'friend' on those sites and they're skantily clad to boot...bargain hey!  Why have me when you can have a skanky whore who thinks that their body is the only thing of worth that sleazy men would like? 

He said he didn't do anything with it and he wouldn't have taken anything further with anyone and I believe that he didn't...I really do.  But I now don't believe that he won't in the future.  This has scared the shit out of me and I hate feeling this way about him but everytime I think of him I get butterflies in the stomach and I feel sick.  I'm shit scared that he's going to say this to the one girl who would reciprocate and bam!  That's it!  We would be over and everything that we've worked for for the last 5 years would be for nothing.

Again, I would be faced wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep my men. 

It's going to take a long time to get the trust back, if it ever comes back at all.  And I'm always going to wonder, with every compliment he gives me (because he's good with the compliments), is he giving the same compliment to some sheila in the hopes that they flirt back and want to do something with him.

This sucks and it's going to eat away with me until we do something about it.  I don't know what...but I'll chew on it and chew on it and it won't be any good for our relationship.  Gee I wish he'd thought of that before he did it!!