Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Our Friendship

This is my blog...if you don't like it -don't read it!

Unfortunately our friendship was based on your own expectations on how it should be.  You've obviously had such high expectations that, when I didn't meet them all, you held it against me without giving me the courtesy of letting me know what expectations I was meant to meet and how I failed to meet them.  You were silent on everything that supposedly bothered you.  Then, when you misbehave at an important event, to me, then send me abusive messages you try and justify it by bringing up a whole list of 'stuff' that I'd supposedly didn't do..or did...and expectations I didn't reach.

This is not ok.  This does not exonerate you from your misbehaviour.  It's merely a convenience.

If I was to live my life trying to reach everyone's expectations on how I should be, my husband's, my sister's, my parent's, my children's, my friend's...then I simply wouldn't be me...I'd be going crazy.  Had I known that you had certain expectations on how friendships should travel along...and had I known what they were, I would have told you ages ago that I wouldn't have met them, and we would have terminated our friendship right there and then.  But I didn't know.  I just lived my life, the best way I knew how.  No I'm not perfect by any means.  And that's ok with me.  I thought it was ok with you too.  In fact it's one of the reasons why I liked you.  You came across like you didn't mind that I was imperfect...oh how wrong I was! 

When I describe you as neurotic, an oddball, intense and eccentric, I really did mean them as an endearment.  Because I am also neurotic, an oddball, intense and we got on well, I thought.  Two crazy people...still trying to learn who we are...imperfect, unhinged crazy loons...who are just trying to get by in life the best we can.  We were two peas in a pod!  I thought.

Now I know, our friendship isn't what I thought.  When I say I can't trust you, it's because, after what happened at the wedding and after, it appears that you are not able to be trusted, as a friend, to refrain from misbehaving at important events and abusing me afterwards, like *I'd* somehow did something wrong (note that I really did NOT know what your grievances were against me at that point).  And after your last message it's made even more apparent that I can't trust you, and shouldn't have for the duration of our friendship. 

It's clear that you have over-analysed everything I did or didn't do.  It's clear that you have turned my imperfections around to reflect how I feel about you, or the type of friend I am rather than just seeing the imperfections for what they were - imperfections.  It's clear that you didn't just 'let it go' you held onto them all like some sort of tally or score card.  It's clear that when I got mad over your misbehaviour, that in order to exonerate yourself you decided to take out this score card to suit your purpose.  Not cool!

Yes I AM the victim in all this.  Yes I AM innocent in all this.  Not because I've never done anything wrong but because you've haboured ill feelings toward me all this time, without my knowledge then let me have it without giving me a chance to clarify, apologise or rectify!  On a day that, should have been , one of the happiest days of my life of all days!  This is why I cannot trust you now.  This is why we can no longer be friends.  We would not be able to talk about the wedding without it being awkward.  We would not be able to talk about the lead up to the wedding, my weightloss, my father or Aaron's father.  I wouldn't be able to show you the photos of the wedding without it feeling awkward...or talk about my friends.  I wouldn't be able to put my energy into anything else without fear of 'distancing' myself.  I now no longer can have you in my home, without fear that you're looking at how 'filthy' it is.   I'll be forever worried that I'm not living up to your expectations on how our friendship should be.  I won't be able to put my energies into 'other things' or make any other friends, without fear that I'm offending you.  So therefore, bearing all that in mind, you can no longer be trusted.  I can't trust that things won't be awkward or weird between us.  I can't trust that you won't be secretly judging and over-analysing my every move and I can't trust that you won't then use it against me when the proverbial straw breaks the camels back again - at another event perhaps?

I have to say.  You've read a lot into my actions to the lead up to my wedding.  And also where I supposedly sat you.  Way too much!  It seems that rather than thinking about Aaron and I, and being happy for us, you were instead analysing everything.  Waiting to find out where I sat you so it can then confirm to you how bad a friend I really am.  Yes you were being very self-centred that day.  Very much so.  I really didn't expect that of you.  I expected that from someone else that day actually.  And that someone else behaved extremely well - EXTEMELY well.  And she had more of a reason to become upset than you did - BY FAR!  And she showed you up!  And how I supposedly acted in the lead up to the wedding, she probably saw as well...and yet she didn't seem to think that it was a problem.  Actually nobody else did either.  Just you!  Why is that?

You said that you were the only one in that room who loved us?  Really?  Out of all my family and friends?  I think this is a bit presumptuous on your part.  And really a bad reflection on you to think that you are the only one and a bad reflection on us that we aren't lovable enough to have love from anyone else but you.

As for 'sticking up' for Aaron.  If you're going to call it that.  I don't.  I say that you were already angry at me and drunk....and took it out on Aaron's father...that's what I say.  But if you're really going to call it 'sticking up' then that's even more of an insult!  For starters...Aaron is quite capable of sticking up for himself if he needs to...he doesn't need the likes of you doing it for him like he's retarted or something.  Secondly - Aaron's father was sharing funny anacdotes that Aaron himself has shared.  Aaron's father didn't really kick him up the you needn't have worried your precious mind about was a matter of speaking...not literal for crying out loud!!!!  Everyone else got the joke!!  Aaron WAS NOT embarrassed in any way, shape, or form!  As I said...he himself has shared ths same anacdote! I've heard it a million times!!!  Aarons' father was given 10 mins notice that he was going to give a speech...and he was frantically trying to write it out when he was called up.  Public speaking is hard enough without having someone heckle you at your own son's wedding!  Bad form!!!!  In front of his children, his grandchildren and our guests!  Disgusting and shameful behaviour and yes you should have been very embarrassed indeed for making such a fool of yourself and of Aaron and I.  THEN for you to heckle ME at the end of my speech too?  Not cool!!!

As for you running around with alcohol in a powerade bottle to an unlicenced (for outside liquore) premisis...we all know it was bourbon, because you were telling people it was bourbon.  Jim Beam to be exact.  We had a bar didn't need to bring outside alcohol.  Aaron told you where the ATM would have to have gone past it to get to the bottleo...then you could have come back and paid for whatever drink you want.  You also would have had to have gone passed the chemist to buy cold and flu tablets so as to medicate yourself...or you could have picked some up on your way to the wedding!  So don't pull the bullshit that you needed brandy so that you could stand up because you were sick.  It's know it, I know it!  You got drunk on the Jim Beam and misbehaved because you were drunk...yes you did!  OWN IT!!!  No excuses!

You act like you were the only 'sick' one there!  My uncle has prostate Cancer!!!!  And didn't run around with a powerade bottle full of Jim Beam! 

It's a shame that this had to go down the way it did.  It didn't have to be this way.  You could have had fun at the wedding, instead you CHOSE to be miserable.  You CHOSE to embarrass yourself and Aaron and I.  You CHOSE to leave before the party really got started.  You then CHOSE to abuse me on my wedding night.  You CHOSE to over-analyse where you were sitting for goodness sake!  How silly!!!  What a very self-centred thing to do!  No one else was self-centred enough to do that...JUST YOU!!!  What you could have done, was CHOOSE to have fun anyway and then come and sit down and have a coffee with me and talk about some of the issues you listed in your last message at a later date.   But you didn't!  And it's a shame that you didn't.  We could have either had it sorted by now, or ended the friendship on a good note.  As it stands now, your long list of grievances against me, are irrelevant to the situation.  Because if they were really an issue for you, I would have known about it long before now!  But it's clear that they really aren't a big deal and just merely a convenient way to make yourself not look as bad.  If they really bothered you as much as you claim, you would have come and talked to me about them...but you didn' they mustn't have bothered you all that much, so therefore irrelevant!  That's just plain logic!

I only hope that you learn from this.  Because I sure have!  I'll be conducting my friendships differently from now on...very differently.  And I hope you've learned to conduct your friendships differently too.  I'm sure I'm not the only one not reaching your expectations.  And I highly suggest you let them know NOW how they're letting you down....give them a chance to clarify, apologise or rectify or get out of the friendship while the going's good!  That would make YOU a good friend.  Isn't this what it's all about?

On closing...I just wanted to clarify what I said about me not being in-your-face type friend.  No it's not an's how I am.  I've always been like that, it's self preservation more than anything but somehow it had worked for me up till now.  My best friend of 22 years would be able to tell you exactly what it means, it's how we conduct our friendship and somehow we are secure enough in our friendship for it not to pose a problem.  So's NOT an excuse.  And after this situation with you, I became paranoid enough to contact her...just to make sure that she wasn't doing what you were doing throughout our friendship (can you imagine 22 years of grievances? LOL).  SHE WASN'T!  I needn't have worried!  We were as tight as ever.  And she's also an oddball, neurotic, tense and eccentric...but she's also a really good friend.  My best friend!  And she would have spoken to me if I'd pissed her off, instead of harbouring it all and using excuses to let it out.  In fact there's been times when she has told me to pull my head in - and I've taken it, with no problem at all.  It's a shame you couldn't have been that friend...I really loved you too.



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