But one major thing really marred, what should have been the happiest day of our lives. A break down of a friendship!
I take friendship very seriously. I'm loyal and accepting...but at the same time I'm not in-your-face either. But I do view friendships as important and since I haven't had many REAL friends, any friends I do find I treasure. That's me...that's who I am!
Unfortunatley not everyone feels the same way in return. Trust is a huge thing for me. I take a while to fully open up to people and just be myself...because I'm afraid to give too much of myself only to have it thrown back in my face and hurt. I don't know why this happens...or how. But it just does. But when it does...it's quite hurtful because, by this stage, I have come to trust the person enough to reveal more of myself and then more and more.
Now this particular person I wish to talk about...well she's an oddball! And I don't say that in a mean way at all...it's actually an endearment of sorts. She's excentric (sp?) and intense and even neurotic. But she's who she is and I accepted her anyway warts and all.
I met her over 3 years ago on an internet parenting forum. We both have very strong views and would voice them...and we both admired each other's tenacity. I was living in Brisbane at that stage and one day we met up...with a few other members for a coffee. The other members were nice but for some reason this lady (I'll call her R) and I really hit it off.
And so the friendship began!
Slow at first. And we moved to Toowoomba....and about 18 mths later R and her family also moved to Toowoomba. Since then our friendship has grown considerably! R has had many many things happen in her life, including domestic violence and a break up etc. I opened my house for her and her family to stay...with no thought of my family and how we would cope....I just didn't think about us...I thought more about her. Being a feminist, I'm extremely passionate about women and especially those who are being mistreated. So I didn't even bat an eyelid about having her here. She was here for a few days...but moved on because she was afraid he was going to come after her.
As things settled down and R going through custody and marital and new relationship issues. Our friendship mosied on....
Until my wedding that is...
I knew nothing of anything other than...getting married. As one tends to do on their wedding day. I had organised for R to come and help me get dressed. Mainly because she'd helped me before and so she'd know what to do. As it turned out, I didn't need her and when she rang me that morning, I told her I didn't need her and why. She said she still had the flu anyway and didn't want to give it to me...all good. Got married, had photos, spoke to her in between the wedding and the reception and complained about people not turning up. Went into the reception place. Had speeches...father in law gives a speech and she yells out at my father in law who is giving a speech at his son's wedding. Obviously drunk. I'm thinking, at the time, that she's been drinking and did something silly while drinking. Father in law, makes a quip about stupid people and promptly ends the speech before getting to the good parts! Before the meals came out, her kids come to us to let us know that they were leaving because 'Mum's sick'. So I'm thinking that R was drinking so much and threw up....poor R.
I thought nothing else.
We went about the rest of the wedding. Had a magical night away, went for lunch and shopping with my sisters. Came home and checked fb to find the most awful messages from her!!! They made me cry and become so confused! So very very confused!!!!
These are the messages -
First I find this one...
FAKE~~~~~~
What an awful thing to find the day after your wedding!!! I cried! I had no idea where this came from. She heckled MY father in law at MY wedding but she was angry with ME? Shouldn't it have been the other way round?
Anyway because she had deleted me as a friend and also blocked me, I didn't see the other messages she left on my events page. I found these ones because I was frantically asking some of my guests if there's anything they know...if there were arguements or things said at the wedding that I need to know about. Because at this stage I had no idea. A friend found the other messages and copied and pasted them to me...
Delete me as an online friend... cut me out of your lives... I am sorry but I cant sit there on a table on my own isolated from everyone when I have loved you both so much. I cant sit there and hear your fathers talk worthless shit about you. You both look gorgeous but why the fuck you fed those fuck wits is out of my imagination. love you both always will, will be here for when you need me. till then this belligerent, anti-social, justice orientated, fact finding truth seeking bitch signs out. I believe in the both of you but those around you suck cocks. good luck
I have cried enough tonight.. hours of of it.. now you two can wear it.. you hurt me so fucking much. Goodbye
So by this stage I'm even more confused than before. Why was SHE crying? I didn't try and ruin HER wedding!!! What was she talking about? What business was it of hers what our fathers said at our wedding? Shouldn't I have been the one crying? After all she'd heckled MY father in law and made a scene at MY wedding...then abused me through facebook messages. All without actually talking to me about it! How in the world was this about her? How was she able to do this? How was she able to make MY wedding day about her???
When it started - Well I don't know for sure. I can only speculate by talking to people etc but from what I can gather, apparantely heading up to the wedding I was 'distant' from her. I really don't know what that means. I know that I was MEGA busy leading up to the wedding. I had a lot of appointments. I was stressed out to the max and then Aaron came home and we were pretty much out everyday getting things done. Worrying about money etc. If it seemed that I was distant well it was because I was a BRIDE getting ready for a wedding but I most certainly didn't wake up one day and think "Gee I think I might becom distant from R...just because" Trust me...during all the stress of the wedding and that...I wasn't thinking about R. (which incidently was probably the problem...I probably SHOULD have been thinking about R...according to her - I don't know)
I had asked R during that time, to help me get dressed at the wedding. The reason I asked her was because she had already dressed me for a fitting before and I figured we'd need someone who'd done it before to be there to guide us along. As it turned out....I had to be dressed 2 more times and my sister helped me both times and had also asked a seamstress for some pointers, so my sister was pretty clued in by the wedding day. So when R rang me the morning of my wedding, I told this to her. She seemed ok with it. She even said that she still had the flu and didn't want to give it to me anyway. I think I whinged about my grandparents bailing on me as well and how unhappy I was. That's all I can remember of the conversation. But my overall feeling of the conversation was that R was ok with it...even a bit relieved, after all she had kids that she needed to organised too.
May I also add in here....that I didn't know if R was going to bring everyone with her (they only had one car). At one stage I had 12 people in my bedroom! And I had 15 people in my house. If she had brought everone with her...there would have been 20 people in my house and 14 people in my bedroom on my wedding day. So needless to say...it was probably a good thing that I didn't need her afterall.
I didn't know this at the time, but apparantely this hurt her feelings. I wasn't intending on hurting her feelings. After all I wasn't thinking about her...I was too busy getting ready for a wedding. Suffice it to say that if she'd been put out about it...the reasonable thing to do was to wait until after the excitement of the wedding to be over and then come over for a coffee and quietly let me know how she felt about it. That's what most people would have done. Clearly she's not most people.
The wedding took place...then the speeches, where she heckled my father in law while he was trying to give a speech at his son's wedding. Who does that? Well.... at the time, I thought...drunk people do stupid things like that at weddings. And as I said earlier, I thought she was drunk and wasn't thinking (she apparantly had filled a powerade bottle with alcohol and was going around with that...so yes drunk!). Honestly I was willing to forgive and let this go. But then she left as well and cost us a couple of hundred dollars and left those god-awful messages!
Left in the corner? - I can only assume she meant the fact that her and her family were left on a table by themselves. This wasn't intentional. Seating guests is a stressful thing. It caused arguments between Aaron and I. But in the end we had R and her family sitting with my family. Yes that's right! I thought highly enough of her that I had her seated with MY FAMILY!!! Unfortunately 14 of my family didn't bother to turn up...even after confirming they would. Of course I didn't know any of this until just before we went into the reception hall. So there were huge gaps in all the seating,...people had moved and my sister had moved people also...without my knowledge, so that I wouldn't stress out. This left R and her family on a table by themselves! My sister in law and her family were also left on their own...but unlike R, she just moved everyone. Other people moved to. Why didn't R move? Nobody else was offended! Nobody thought badly of me...just R! R's the only one that took it personally! R's the only one who made it about her!
What kind of a friend does this? - What kind of a friend would just assume *I* had put her there all by herself on purpose? What kind of a friend would not just give me the benefit of the doubt KNOWING that people didn't turn up! Not a very good friend - that's who! It's painfully obvious to me now that she wasn't/isn't a good friend. She says in her messages that I was her last friend. Well...now we know why! If this is the kind of friend she is...then it's any wonder that I was her last one.
And what's this about our fathers? - What had our fathers done to her to warrant them being 'cunts'? How is this anything about her? What has it to do with her? Neither of them had even spoken to her! Self-centred! That's what she is! It's probably the real reason her own children don't want her involved in the important times in their lives either. They probably know what she would do. They probably already know what I've just found out....that she would make it about her! Somehow she would turn anything to be about her. She would turn any important event around to her! And take offence about anything, even though it's not about her!
My daughter told her daughter that I hadn't intentionally seated R by herself...and her daughter told her and you know what she said in return? "I don't care". Well duh!!!! Obviously! I knew she didn't care! If she'd have cared she wouldn't have done what she did. If she cared she would have quietly come and talked to me at an appropriate time about her concerns. But she doesn't care! She doesn't care about anyone but her self. And I'm sure it's obvious to anyone reading this that she must be pretty unhinged to have turned on me this way. As I said...I had no idea why she'd done what she did. This is all speculation on talking to others...because she didn't do the decent thing, as a good friend should, and talk to me about it. She's just abused me and dumped me (on my wedding day mind you) like *I* was the one who did her wrong and not the other way round.
Anyway...I don't need that kind of 'friend' in my life. As I said...I'm loyal, but I'm not a doormat! She says that she welcomes a phone call when I can be 'myself'. Her peception of that day has nothing to do with reality. I am myself...I am always myself. She's not herself! And I'm not going to call her. She can bloody well call me! Then I can tell her what I really think of her to her face and not hide behind fb messages like a coward! And that is...she is not a good friend! I'll never be able to look back on my wedding day without thinking about what she's done now....and this will go with me for the rest of my life. I don't trust her anymore...I was wrong to trust her in the first place. I wish her well...but I can no longer be friends with someone like her.
