Old Insecurities...Old Fears...

No it's not a nice feeling to have your fears come to fruition.  You spend your whole life protecting yourself from the hurt and pain that you learned existed while you were still a child figuring out how the world works and how society works.  You find out that people have their own agendas and their own fears and insecurities that dictate their lives as well...no, actually you don't find that out until you're older and can understand better.  But while you're young you try and work out ways to preserve your own feelings...how not to get hurt even from your own family members who have hurt you.  Then you take these 'tools' into your adult relationships.

You think you've got it.  You think you have it all worked out.  You conduct your relationships with these past hurts in mind.  You put feelers out, find out what happens then bring them back...then put them out again...trying to ascertain if a person can be trusted with you....all of you!  Every part of you!  Even the parts that may not necessarily be nice.  You figure out ways that you can find this out without it being too obvious. 

All the while you are questioning yourself...am I being too forward?  Am I being too enthusiastic?  Not enthusiastic enough?  Are they ready for the real me?  Am *I* ready for the real me?  Who is the real me anyway?

I find that sometimes its worse for me.  Because I love being around people.  I love being social and I cannot stand to be alone.  Many people would say that this is bad.  Why don't I like being alone with myself?...do I not like myself enough?  Maybe I have a problem, maybe I need to love myself enough to want to spend time with myself?  Well thanks Oprah for putting the idea out there that those who don't want to be alone must hate themselves!  Now people think I'm broken.....Hell *I* think I'm broken.  No Oprah can shove her lounge chair psychiatry up her arse! LOL 

It may be true for some people....but they have it all wrong with me.  For starters...we are not an island of ourselves.  We are not naturally created to be alone all the time.  They used to use isolation as punishment at Alchatraz, and when you watch moves like "Castaway" where Tom Hanks becomes attached to a volleyball to the point where he becomes devastated when he loses "Wilson", most of us can understand that we aren't meant to live totally isolated.

So this brings me back to me not liking being alone.  And again I hear people say "If you love yourself....blah blah blah"...yep got it!  But what most people don't get, however, is that I'm alone all.the.time!!!!  I've always had the ability to withdraw into myself and be in my own little world.  Even growing up, every single report card would say that I was a daydreamer and didn't pay attention.  Attention deficit disorder?.....yes ok probably....but it was also my way of being alone with my thoughts and imaginations.  Hell I could be in a crowded room and be all alone, all at the same time!  So do I like myself enough to want to be on my own?  Absolutely!!!  That's my life!

My mum spoke to me at my wedding.  She was going to give a speech but unfortunatly in light of what happened at my wedding she didn't feel comfortable enough so she came and sat by Aaron and me at the bridal table and gave me her little speech right there.  I think it was nicer that way anyway.  She said that she was worried when Aaron and I got together so quick as she felt that I needed to be on my own for a while and find out who I am, but then she realised right there at my wedding....that that *is* who I am!  That I don't like to be alone.  I didn't need to be physically alone to figure who I am!  I have the ability to withdraw into my own mind and do all the figuring out there!  I've even gotten annoyed with people when they've interrupted me....my thoughts that is LOL  It's taken a while for my mum to even begin to understand me, and this was a nice start I thought.  It made me feel validated and heard for once in my life (with her anyway) as there's been countless times where we've spoken about her dream of living on a deserted island and being away from people....and her inability to understand how I could never contemplate such isolation.  So it was nice to have it said back to me, what I've always known about myself.

Now this brings me back to me being social and not liking being alone.  Because I tend to withdraw into myself all the time...it means I have the opportunity to be alone all the time as well.  So when I'm truly alone, physically, I don't like it...because although I like my alone time, I also am able to pick and choose when I do this, but when I'm alone in the physical sense, where I don't have the choice to come in and out of isolation I'm just isolated all the time - well...lets just say, it feels like alchatraz!

Thankfully, in this day and age where we have such things called 'Social Networks' the isolation isn't as bad.  It's not perfect by any means...I still prefer face to face...but it's something for the 'in between'.  Earlier years of being a stay at home mum before social networks and even before the internet was readily available....it was pure hell!  The isolation would drive me mad!  And my husband, at the time, was never emotionally present...so that meant that even when he was physically in the room...he was never really 'there'.  So I'd spend all my days in my own little world in my head...then I'd have to go back there when he was home too...which left me alone 24/7 practically.  It's part of the reason why our marriage broke down.  We were two totally different people.  He couldn't be there in the emotional sense when I needed him and I needed him there too much.  Thankfully, with my new husband, Aaron, we don't have that problem.  He is emotionally there all the time.  We are both social people and we both withdraw and are able to be all alone whenever we need to - it's a whole new world being with someone who is 'present'.

So we've established that I need to be social.  Therefore I need people.  From a few to a lot...I need people!  And when you have this driving need for socialisation as I do, you don't have the luxury of pushing people away.....because pushing people away makes you alone again.  And if your biggest fear is being alone, well you tend to try and do things that would less likely push people away. 

People pleasing?  To a point yes.  Not at your own detriment.  But nor for their benefit either, because seriously if they're any kind of friend they'd take you as you are right?.....right?  Well that's the theory anyway.  In theory Communism works in theory.  Lots of things are suppose to work in theory.   But when reality hits, and lets face it, it doesn't hit very often since one is still trying to protect one's self from the old insecurities and fears and rejections of childhood...but theoretically,....true friends shouldn't reject you.

So we're still putting feelers out there.  We give someone a little bit, and when someone proves to be trusted with that little bit, then we give them a little more and a little more.  Then something remarkable happens...you start being more and more yourself!  Your authentic self, who, let's face it we're still trying to figure out....actually I don't even think anyone ever truly figures it out, but nevertheless.....while you're up and down and all over the place trying to get to the authenticity of you....you allow some people in while you're on that journey!

Yes!  Finally!  You don't have to censor yourself!  Means you can just be who you are and they'll still be there.  Means you can make changes in your life, be an idiot, be loving, get angry and ugly, not feel like you need to clean your house when they come over, or get out of your pyjamas  and not put the stops on anything anymore.  A true friend will let you know when you've overstepped the mark.  A true friend would pull you up if you go too far.  You can trust them with this.  You can trust that they will tell you...being a true friend and all.  You can make mistakes...and sometimes not be a good friend yourself even,  trusting.....knowing.....that it'll be ok that they'll love you anyway.  You go through life thinking "Hey I'm ok"..."We're ok".

But what if I was to tell you that all these things that you did to test the waters?....all those feelers you put out there?...Were all for naught!  All that time that you thought you were ok?....well let's just say...it's all a lie!  What if I told you that everyone....every.single.person has their own insecurities and fears and that while you were testing them, they were testing you in a whole other way?  What if they had ideals and expectations of your friendship that didn't co-incide with yours?  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but what would be happening is that throughout the friendship, where you're thinking "Yes finally I can be myself" ...'Yourself' is missing their mark in a very major way.  You ain't cuttin' it sister!....and the worst part is, you don't even know!  That's the most devastating part!  All this time you're thinking that you are not being judged....scrutinised....picked apart...analysed....you actually are!  All the fears and insecurities you grew up with..."Am I good enough?"  "Am I too enthusiastic?"  "Am I not enthusiastic enough?"  "Am I too strange?"  "Too loud?"  "Too quiet?" and the list goes on...come flooding back!  Now I remember!  Now I remember why I test the waters first!  Now I remember why I didn't give all of myself straight away....people can't handle all of myself - this is validation!  Of all those fears and insecurities that you dared think...just for one moment...were totally unreasonable, were, in fact, very valid and very real!

But I have a theory...it's merely a theory, not really based on any facts...but here it is....
While you were testing the waters, and putting feelers out there and 'not' being yourself....the other person?  Well they're thinking that this is 'you'....that this person is the real 'you'.  So that when they've proven to you that they can be trusted with 'you'....you start being 'you'....but to them...you actually stop being the 'you' they thought you were!  You're this totally different person now....it's sutble...but hey,....you're different!  And because you're different than what you were...they think that you've actually changed, when you haven't really changed....you just started to 'trust'!

And that...my friends....is what happens!

So what to do about it?

What does one do? 

For most the answer is simple...withdraw!  But again, I can't do that....I need people!  But I also can't get hurt again like that.  I just can't.  I don't want my life scrutinised.  I don't want to be made to feel like there's something wrong with me.  I don't want to question my decisions in how I conduct my every day life and how that's going to affect my friendships...I quite like my life!  I like 'me'! So if I can't withdraw, and I don't want my life scrutinised and thrown back in my face...the answer simply....is to just not have "friends"...in the true sense of the word.  Just socialise with aquaintenced friends with no more testing...no more feelers...just resign to the fact that no one can 'truly' be trusted with all of 'you' and just socialise with a bunch of aquaintanced friends but without ever really making them a true friend....and  A LOT of them... Like a network of sorts. 

I've discovered a long time ago that a network was the way to go...that way, one of my childhood fears of becoming too much for one person, kind of like an overzealous puppy that you just wish would piss off out of your face....never happens.  Because I wouldn't be a burden on any one person.  I wouldn't only be bombarding one person with phone calls and visits and requests for help etc.  I hate making phone calls...yet another insecurity from my childhood...where I used to call my friends and then I heard that one was talking behind my back and saying things like "She's always calling me...doesn't she have any other friends?"  and that hurt because I thought she liked that I called....so I hate making phone calls.  Even businesses and things...I get Aaron to make the calls LOL  I tell him it's because he has such a sexy phone voice and could get anyone to do anything they want over the phone...but really it's because I faulter and umm and aaahhh and stutter and feel stupid when I talk to someone on the phone.  Visiting would be the same....I can't just 'drop in' I don't feel comfortable doing that so I would have to call first....and yeh...calling isn't very good for me...and just dropping in is kind of like an unwanted phone call....so I just don't go to people's places unless I'm invited.  I figure they wouldn't invite me if they didn't want me there right?! 

This is where a network would work well....because I can work my way up to having the guts to call and visit...but then I wouldn't just be calling and visiting one person...and they wouldn't be getting sick of the over zealous puppy you see?  That's the theory anyway....and you know my stance on theories. - everything works in theory!  In theory communism works - in theory LOL  But I figure a network of aquaintenced friends is better than no friends at all!  I can't have no friends at all....I can't be alone - I'd go crazy if I was alone.

Yes...Old insecurities and old fears.....they have a lot to answer for!  They destroy friendships, relationships and sometimes even lives.  But hopefully with my wonderful self preservation techniques...my life will be saved...so it won't have to come to that.  LOL