It's Never Good Enough!

No matter what you do or who you are...it is never good enough! 

I'm feeling so isolated right now...a friend offered to come over and hang out but I'm too scared to say yes.  I can't have her here.  I can't have anyone here.  I will be judged!  With everything that I do say think or feel....it will not be enough to stop the judgement!  It will never ever ever ever be enough!

I can try so so hard.  I can slog my guts out and it doesn't freakin matter does it?  I can care too much or not enough...and either way it won't matter!

I can't be myself...and I can't not be myself either.  I can't just 'be'....because that won't be enough!

Why should I care?  Because I can't be alone....I need to have people around me.  But when one is afraid of judgement and dissappointment....you're left in isolation.  What's worse?  The judgement or the isolation?

I don't really know...they both hurt like hell!  And I have zero contol of any of it.

This is so fucked up!  How can people be so cruel?  I don't get it! 

You open up your house for people - and it's not enough.
You give them a place to stay, a roof over their head - and it's not enough.
You entertain them - it's not enough.
You look after their children - it's not enough.
You listen to them express their hurt and pain over and over again - and it's not enough
You let them cry on your shoulder - and it's not enough
You put your family in jeopardy - and it's not enough.

My home wasn't good enough.  My family wasn't good enough.  *I* wasn't good enough!

My imperfections are too much for some to handle I guess.  I think it takes a REAL person to handle my imperfections and accept me for who I am.  I'm never going to be good enough!  Deal!

Why can't people just DEAL!  Deal with it!!!!

DEAL WITH IT!!!

Get over yourself for one moment and think...that as much as I'm not good enough...you're not exactly perfect yourself either and yet I actually accepted you!  Oh I am such a schmuck!!!!!

Why?

Why do I do it?  And why will I do it again if given the opportunity?

Because I actually DO CARE!!!  That's fucking why!

So I may not behave the way I should...I may not say or do what you think I should...but don't for one moment dare think I don't fucking care!!!  Because it's a lie!!

But what does it matter anyway...whether I care or not....obviously it's not enough.  I'm simply not good enough!

Maybe it's time for ME to deal with that huh!

I'll never be good enough!  I'll never make the cut! I'll never be what somebody needs!

I'm just a big fat waste of space!

A breeder with no other purpose than to pump out humans...bring them up slave after them (which won't be enough LOL)....then die!!!

Yep that's what my life has amounted to!

So DEAL!