I haven't yet been able to buy all my equipment as other things have come up financially but I have slowly been buying things for my pantry staples so that's good.
I've already cooked some great meals, a few that have been hits like my 'Sweet and Sour Chicken' and my "Bacon and Egg Pie" and some that I'll have to tweak a bit before I am able to call them a success or biff the recipe altogether.
I haven't cooked any sweet things yet and I can't wait until I can, but I have tried "Chocolate Ravioli" easy peasy and oh so yummy for such a simple dish., and will gladly be added to my regulars :)
I'm also yet to get stuck into something 'hard' ...I do have projects in mind too so should be interesting. It would be a sunday project type deal I reckon.
Tonight "Gerard Steak" is in the oven and smells devine! Tomorrow it's an Australian Chop Suey...can't wait!
I said to Aaron the other day "We're really chipping away at these recipes honey....900 more to go!" LOL BTW that's no exageration either...I have over 1000 actually - it's going to take me years!!! Hopefully one day I'll be able to share my recipe blog as tried and tested and tweaked recipes for the busy family!
Anyway, I'm having great fun! It's it's always exciting trying something 'new'. :)
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Our Friendship
This is my blog...if you don't like it -don't read it!
Unfortunately our friendship was based on your own expectations on how it should be. You've obviously had such high expectations that, when I didn't meet them all, you held it against me without giving me the courtesy of letting me know what expectations I was meant to meet and how I failed to meet them. You were silent on everything that supposedly bothered you. Then, when you misbehave at an important event, to me, then send me abusive messages you try and justify it by bringing up a whole list of 'stuff' that I'd supposedly didn't do..or did...and expectations I didn't reach.
This is not ok. This does not exonerate you from your misbehaviour. It's merely a convenience.
If I was to live my life trying to reach everyone's expectations on how I should be, my husband's, my sister's, my parent's, my children's, my friend's...then I simply wouldn't be me...I'd be going crazy. Had I known that you had certain expectations on how friendships should travel along...and had I known what they were, I would have told you ages ago that I wouldn't have met them, and we would have terminated our friendship right there and then. But I didn't know. I just lived my life, the best way I knew how. No I'm not perfect by any means. And that's ok with me. I thought it was ok with you too. In fact it's one of the reasons why I liked you. You came across like you didn't mind that I was imperfect...oh how wrong I was!
When I describe you as neurotic, an oddball, intense and eccentric, I really did mean them as an endearment. Because I am also neurotic, an oddball, intense and eccentric...so we got on well, I thought. Two crazy people...still trying to learn who we are...imperfect, unhinged crazy loons...who are just trying to get by in life the best we can. We were two peas in a pod! I thought.
Now I know, our friendship isn't what I thought. When I say I can't trust you, it's because, after what happened at the wedding and after, it appears that you are not able to be trusted, as a friend, to refrain from misbehaving at important events and abusing me afterwards, like *I'd* somehow did something wrong (note that I really did NOT know what your grievances were against me at that point). And after your last message it's made even more apparent that I can't trust you, and shouldn't have for the duration of our friendship.
It's clear that you have over-analysed everything I did or didn't do. It's clear that you have turned my imperfections around to reflect how I feel about you, or the type of friend I am rather than just seeing the imperfections for what they were - imperfections. It's clear that you didn't just 'let it go' you held onto them all like some sort of tally or score card. It's clear that when I got mad over your misbehaviour, that in order to exonerate yourself you decided to take out this score card to suit your purpose. Not cool!
Yes I AM the victim in all this. Yes I AM innocent in all this. Not because I've never done anything wrong but because you've haboured ill feelings toward me all this time, without my knowledge then let me have it without giving me a chance to clarify, apologise or rectify! On a day that, should have been , one of the happiest days of my life of all days! This is why I cannot trust you now. This is why we can no longer be friends. We would not be able to talk about the wedding without it being awkward. We would not be able to talk about the lead up to the wedding, my weightloss, my father or Aaron's father. I wouldn't be able to show you the photos of the wedding without it feeling awkward...or talk about my friends. I wouldn't be able to put my energy into anything else without fear of 'distancing' myself. I now no longer can have you in my home, without fear that you're looking at how 'filthy' it is. I'll be forever worried that I'm not living up to your expectations on how our friendship should be. I won't be able to put my energies into 'other things' or make any other friends, without fear that I'm offending you. So therefore, bearing all that in mind, you can no longer be trusted. I can't trust that things won't be awkward or weird between us. I can't trust that you won't be secretly judging and over-analysing my every move and I can't trust that you won't then use it against me when the proverbial straw breaks the camels back again - at another event perhaps?
I have to say. You've read a lot into my actions to the lead up to my wedding. And also where I supposedly sat you. Way too much! It seems that rather than thinking about Aaron and I, and being happy for us, you were instead analysing everything. Waiting to find out where I sat you so it can then confirm to you how bad a friend I really am. Yes you were being very self-centred that day. Very much so. I really didn't expect that of you. I expected that from someone else that day actually. And that someone else behaved extremely well - EXTEMELY well. And she had more of a reason to become upset than you did - BY FAR! And she showed you up! And how I supposedly acted in the lead up to the wedding, she probably saw as well...and yet she didn't seem to think that it was a problem. Actually nobody else did either. Just you! Why is that?
You said that you were the only one in that room who loved us? Really? Out of all my family and friends? I think this is a bit presumptuous on your part. And really a bad reflection on you to think that you are the only one and a bad reflection on us that we aren't lovable enough to have love from anyone else but you.
As for 'sticking up' for Aaron. If you're going to call it that. I don't. I say that you were already angry at me and drunk....and took it out on Aaron's father...that's what I say. But if you're really going to call it 'sticking up' then that's even more of an insult! For starters...Aaron is quite capable of sticking up for himself if he needs to...he doesn't need the likes of you doing it for him like he's retarted or something. Secondly - Aaron's father was sharing funny anacdotes that Aaron himself has shared. Aaron's father didn't really kick him up the arse...so you needn't have worried your precious mind about that...it was a matter of speaking...not literal for crying out loud!!!! Everyone else got the joke!! Aaron WAS NOT embarrassed in any way, shape, or form! As I said...he himself has shared ths same anacdote! I've heard it a million times!!! Aarons' father was given 10 mins notice that he was going to give a speech...and he was frantically trying to write it out when he was called up. Public speaking is hard enough without having someone heckle you at your own son's wedding! Bad form!!!! In front of his children, his grandchildren and our guests! Disgusting and shameful behaviour and yes you should have been very embarrassed indeed for making such a fool of yourself and of Aaron and I. THEN for you to heckle ME at the end of my speech too? Not cool!!!
As for you running around with alcohol in a powerade bottle to an unlicenced (for outside liquore) premisis...we all know it was bourbon, because you were telling people it was bourbon. Jim Beam to be exact. We had a bar tab...you didn't need to bring outside alcohol. Aaron told you where the ATM was...you would have to have gone past it to get to the bottleo...then you could have come back and paid for whatever drink you want. You also would have had to have gone passed the chemist to buy cold and flu tablets so as to medicate yourself...or you could have picked some up on your way to the wedding! So don't pull the bullshit that you needed brandy so that you could stand up because you were sick. It's bullshit...you know it, I know it! You got drunk on the Jim Beam and misbehaved because you were drunk...yes you did! OWN IT!!! No excuses!
You act like you were the only 'sick' one there! My uncle has prostate Cancer!!!! And didn't run around with a powerade bottle full of Jim Beam!
It's a shame that this had to go down the way it did. It didn't have to be this way. You could have had fun at the wedding, instead you CHOSE to be miserable. You CHOSE to embarrass yourself and Aaron and I. You CHOSE to leave before the party really got started. You then CHOSE to abuse me on my wedding night. You CHOSE to over-analyse where you were sitting for goodness sake! How silly!!! What a very self-centred thing to do! No one else was self-centred enough to do that...JUST YOU!!! What you could have done, was CHOOSE to have fun anyway and then come and sit down and have a coffee with me and talk about some of the issues you listed in your last message at a later date. But you didn't! And it's a shame that you didn't. We could have either had it sorted by now, or ended the friendship on a good note. As it stands now, your long list of grievances against me, are irrelevant to the situation. Because if they were really an issue for you, I would have known about it long before now! But it's clear that they really aren't a big deal and just merely a convenient way to make yourself not look as bad. If they really bothered you as much as you claim, you would have come and talked to me about them...but you didn't...so they mustn't have bothered you all that much, so therefore irrelevant! That's just plain logic!
I only hope that you learn from this. Because I sure have! I'll be conducting my friendships differently from now on...very differently. And I hope you've learned to conduct your friendships differently too. I'm sure I'm not the only one not reaching your expectations. And I highly suggest you let them know NOW how they're letting you down....give them a chance to clarify, apologise or rectify or get out of the friendship while the going's good! That would make YOU a good friend. Isn't this what it's all about?
On closing...I just wanted to clarify what I said about me not being in-your-face type friend. No it's not an excuse...it's how I am. I've always been like that, it's self preservation more than anything but somehow it had worked for me up till now. My best friend of 22 years would be able to tell you exactly what it means, it's how we conduct our friendship and somehow we are secure enough in our friendship for it not to pose a problem. So no...it's NOT an excuse. And after this situation with you, I became paranoid enough to contact her...just to make sure that she wasn't doing what you were doing throughout our friendship (can you imagine 22 years of grievances? LOL). SHE WASN'T! I needn't have worried! We were as tight as ever. And she's also an oddball, neurotic, tense and eccentric...but she's also a really good friend. My best friend! And she would have spoken to me if I'd pissed her off, instead of harbouring it all and using excuses to let it out. In fact there's been times when she has told me to pull my head in - and I've taken it, with no problem at all. It's a shame you couldn't have been that friend...I really loved you too.
.
Unfortunately our friendship was based on your own expectations on how it should be. You've obviously had such high expectations that, when I didn't meet them all, you held it against me without giving me the courtesy of letting me know what expectations I was meant to meet and how I failed to meet them. You were silent on everything that supposedly bothered you. Then, when you misbehave at an important event, to me, then send me abusive messages you try and justify it by bringing up a whole list of 'stuff' that I'd supposedly didn't do..or did...and expectations I didn't reach.
This is not ok. This does not exonerate you from your misbehaviour. It's merely a convenience.
If I was to live my life trying to reach everyone's expectations on how I should be, my husband's, my sister's, my parent's, my children's, my friend's...then I simply wouldn't be me...I'd be going crazy. Had I known that you had certain expectations on how friendships should travel along...and had I known what they were, I would have told you ages ago that I wouldn't have met them, and we would have terminated our friendship right there and then. But I didn't know. I just lived my life, the best way I knew how. No I'm not perfect by any means. And that's ok with me. I thought it was ok with you too. In fact it's one of the reasons why I liked you. You came across like you didn't mind that I was imperfect...oh how wrong I was!
When I describe you as neurotic, an oddball, intense and eccentric, I really did mean them as an endearment. Because I am also neurotic, an oddball, intense and eccentric...so we got on well, I thought. Two crazy people...still trying to learn who we are...imperfect, unhinged crazy loons...who are just trying to get by in life the best we can. We were two peas in a pod! I thought.
Now I know, our friendship isn't what I thought. When I say I can't trust you, it's because, after what happened at the wedding and after, it appears that you are not able to be trusted, as a friend, to refrain from misbehaving at important events and abusing me afterwards, like *I'd* somehow did something wrong (note that I really did NOT know what your grievances were against me at that point). And after your last message it's made even more apparent that I can't trust you, and shouldn't have for the duration of our friendship.
It's clear that you have over-analysed everything I did or didn't do. It's clear that you have turned my imperfections around to reflect how I feel about you, or the type of friend I am rather than just seeing the imperfections for what they were - imperfections. It's clear that you didn't just 'let it go' you held onto them all like some sort of tally or score card. It's clear that when I got mad over your misbehaviour, that in order to exonerate yourself you decided to take out this score card to suit your purpose. Not cool!
Yes I AM the victim in all this. Yes I AM innocent in all this. Not because I've never done anything wrong but because you've haboured ill feelings toward me all this time, without my knowledge then let me have it without giving me a chance to clarify, apologise or rectify! On a day that, should have been , one of the happiest days of my life of all days! This is why I cannot trust you now. This is why we can no longer be friends. We would not be able to talk about the wedding without it being awkward. We would not be able to talk about the lead up to the wedding, my weightloss, my father or Aaron's father. I wouldn't be able to show you the photos of the wedding without it feeling awkward...or talk about my friends. I wouldn't be able to put my energy into anything else without fear of 'distancing' myself. I now no longer can have you in my home, without fear that you're looking at how 'filthy' it is. I'll be forever worried that I'm not living up to your expectations on how our friendship should be. I won't be able to put my energies into 'other things' or make any other friends, without fear that I'm offending you. So therefore, bearing all that in mind, you can no longer be trusted. I can't trust that things won't be awkward or weird between us. I can't trust that you won't be secretly judging and over-analysing my every move and I can't trust that you won't then use it against me when the proverbial straw breaks the camels back again - at another event perhaps?
I have to say. You've read a lot into my actions to the lead up to my wedding. And also where I supposedly sat you. Way too much! It seems that rather than thinking about Aaron and I, and being happy for us, you were instead analysing everything. Waiting to find out where I sat you so it can then confirm to you how bad a friend I really am. Yes you were being very self-centred that day. Very much so. I really didn't expect that of you. I expected that from someone else that day actually. And that someone else behaved extremely well - EXTEMELY well. And she had more of a reason to become upset than you did - BY FAR! And she showed you up! And how I supposedly acted in the lead up to the wedding, she probably saw as well...and yet she didn't seem to think that it was a problem. Actually nobody else did either. Just you! Why is that?
You said that you were the only one in that room who loved us? Really? Out of all my family and friends? I think this is a bit presumptuous on your part. And really a bad reflection on you to think that you are the only one and a bad reflection on us that we aren't lovable enough to have love from anyone else but you.
As for 'sticking up' for Aaron. If you're going to call it that. I don't. I say that you were already angry at me and drunk....and took it out on Aaron's father...that's what I say. But if you're really going to call it 'sticking up' then that's even more of an insult! For starters...Aaron is quite capable of sticking up for himself if he needs to...he doesn't need the likes of you doing it for him like he's retarted or something. Secondly - Aaron's father was sharing funny anacdotes that Aaron himself has shared. Aaron's father didn't really kick him up the arse...so you needn't have worried your precious mind about that...it was a matter of speaking...not literal for crying out loud!!!! Everyone else got the joke!! Aaron WAS NOT embarrassed in any way, shape, or form! As I said...he himself has shared ths same anacdote! I've heard it a million times!!! Aarons' father was given 10 mins notice that he was going to give a speech...and he was frantically trying to write it out when he was called up. Public speaking is hard enough without having someone heckle you at your own son's wedding! Bad form!!!! In front of his children, his grandchildren and our guests! Disgusting and shameful behaviour and yes you should have been very embarrassed indeed for making such a fool of yourself and of Aaron and I. THEN for you to heckle ME at the end of my speech too? Not cool!!!
As for you running around with alcohol in a powerade bottle to an unlicenced (for outside liquore) premisis...we all know it was bourbon, because you were telling people it was bourbon. Jim Beam to be exact. We had a bar tab...you didn't need to bring outside alcohol. Aaron told you where the ATM was...you would have to have gone past it to get to the bottleo...then you could have come back and paid for whatever drink you want. You also would have had to have gone passed the chemist to buy cold and flu tablets so as to medicate yourself...or you could have picked some up on your way to the wedding! So don't pull the bullshit that you needed brandy so that you could stand up because you were sick. It's bullshit...you know it, I know it! You got drunk on the Jim Beam and misbehaved because you were drunk...yes you did! OWN IT!!! No excuses!
You act like you were the only 'sick' one there! My uncle has prostate Cancer!!!! And didn't run around with a powerade bottle full of Jim Beam!
It's a shame that this had to go down the way it did. It didn't have to be this way. You could have had fun at the wedding, instead you CHOSE to be miserable. You CHOSE to embarrass yourself and Aaron and I. You CHOSE to leave before the party really got started. You then CHOSE to abuse me on my wedding night. You CHOSE to over-analyse where you were sitting for goodness sake! How silly!!! What a very self-centred thing to do! No one else was self-centred enough to do that...JUST YOU!!! What you could have done, was CHOOSE to have fun anyway and then come and sit down and have a coffee with me and talk about some of the issues you listed in your last message at a later date. But you didn't! And it's a shame that you didn't. We could have either had it sorted by now, or ended the friendship on a good note. As it stands now, your long list of grievances against me, are irrelevant to the situation. Because if they were really an issue for you, I would have known about it long before now! But it's clear that they really aren't a big deal and just merely a convenient way to make yourself not look as bad. If they really bothered you as much as you claim, you would have come and talked to me about them...but you didn't...so they mustn't have bothered you all that much, so therefore irrelevant! That's just plain logic!
I only hope that you learn from this. Because I sure have! I'll be conducting my friendships differently from now on...very differently. And I hope you've learned to conduct your friendships differently too. I'm sure I'm not the only one not reaching your expectations. And I highly suggest you let them know NOW how they're letting you down....give them a chance to clarify, apologise or rectify or get out of the friendship while the going's good! That would make YOU a good friend. Isn't this what it's all about?
On closing...I just wanted to clarify what I said about me not being in-your-face type friend. No it's not an excuse...it's how I am. I've always been like that, it's self preservation more than anything but somehow it had worked for me up till now. My best friend of 22 years would be able to tell you exactly what it means, it's how we conduct our friendship and somehow we are secure enough in our friendship for it not to pose a problem. So no...it's NOT an excuse. And after this situation with you, I became paranoid enough to contact her...just to make sure that she wasn't doing what you were doing throughout our friendship (can you imagine 22 years of grievances? LOL). SHE WASN'T! I needn't have worried! We were as tight as ever. And she's also an oddball, neurotic, tense and eccentric...but she's also a really good friend. My best friend! And she would have spoken to me if I'd pissed her off, instead of harbouring it all and using excuses to let it out. In fact there's been times when she has told me to pull my head in - and I've taken it, with no problem at all. It's a shame you couldn't have been that friend...I really loved you too.
.
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Coming off zoloft cold-turkey update
Well it's been approx. 9 months since I came off the medication. I think it took a good 3 months for it to come out of my system completely.
Since then, I've noticed a few changes. My moods are more pronounced now, and would have been slowly becoming so over the last 6 months. So instead of feeling and acting 'meh' about everything I seem to actually feel every emotion...which may come across as moody, especially at that time of month, but obviously that's the 'real' me now, instead of the zombie like exsistence I led before.
Over the 5 years that I was taking them, I feel that they'd done their purpose. They made me feel rational and able to cope while going through a very hard time in my life and continued that way through any other stress. With the help of a wonderful man in my life, I am now able to deal with stresses better than I've ever done in the past...without the medication now.
Since stopping the medication I feel I have more energy and motivation for change and seem to be able to stick to things and ride them out - whereas before I seemed to not be bothered. I also feel I have more confidence too.
All in all, I didn't really have that many side-effects. Learning to deal with my moods was and is a challenge, but it's only because it was new and I had to learn about how I deal with stuff again which would challenge anyone.
Glad I did it though - I feel a lot more healthier now, in my body and in my mind.
Life is great!
Since then, I've noticed a few changes. My moods are more pronounced now, and would have been slowly becoming so over the last 6 months. So instead of feeling and acting 'meh' about everything I seem to actually feel every emotion...which may come across as moody, especially at that time of month, but obviously that's the 'real' me now, instead of the zombie like exsistence I led before.
Over the 5 years that I was taking them, I feel that they'd done their purpose. They made me feel rational and able to cope while going through a very hard time in my life and continued that way through any other stress. With the help of a wonderful man in my life, I am now able to deal with stresses better than I've ever done in the past...without the medication now.
Since stopping the medication I feel I have more energy and motivation for change and seem to be able to stick to things and ride them out - whereas before I seemed to not be bothered. I also feel I have more confidence too.
All in all, I didn't really have that many side-effects. Learning to deal with my moods was and is a challenge, but it's only because it was new and I had to learn about how I deal with stuff again which would challenge anyone.
Glad I did it though - I feel a lot more healthier now, in my body and in my mind.
Life is great!
What I need for my new Obsession
Got a list for everything I need for my cooking quest! Some things I have - others I don't. But I've realised as I was collecting recipes that I'm going to need a whole heap of equipment LOL Aaron and I found this awesome catering shop...we had a ball going through it! But it's full of everything you need, it even has pink stuff...pink spatulas, pink whisks, pink electric mixers - you name it! And it sells some bulk staples too! It was the coolest place ever! So we're going to go through it and buy whatever we need from there eventually (as money permitts). Obviously we won't be able to do it for a while as we don't have a car...and any money we have is going towards the car. But I'm really excited about going!
Anyway here's the list of kitchen equipment....
Food processor
Blender
Hand held bamix blender
Electronic scales
Mixing bowls of different sizes
Sturdy electric mixer - own
Hand-held mixer - own
Wooden chopping boards
Wooden and large metal spoons - got a few
Spatulas - plastic, wooden and steel (haven't seen wooden or steel spatulas LOL)
Skimmer and slotted spoons - got a few
Egg lifters - got a few
Tongs
Can opener, corkscrew and bottle opener - own
Graters - own
Japenese grater and mandolin
Colander and strainers - own
Sieves of all sizes and shapes and fine and coarse mesh
Measuring jugs - got one but can't see the measurements very well
Measuring cups
Measuring spoons
Whisks
Pepper mill
Piping bags
Mortar and Pestle
Kitchen and Poultry Shears
Muslin (somehow I don't see myself using this LOL)
Cake coolers
Cake tins - have one
Biscuit trays - have 2 but scratched up
Muffin trays - have one
Springform pan
Baking dishes
Pie plates
Lamington tins
Ramekins
Quiche dish
Tart dishes
Rolling pin
Pantry Staples
Anyway here's the list of kitchen equipment....
Food processor
Blender
Hand held bamix blender
Electronic scales
Mixing bowls of different sizes
Sturdy electric mixer - own
Hand-held mixer - own
Wooden chopping boards
Wooden and large metal spoons - got a few
Spatulas - plastic, wooden and steel (haven't seen wooden or steel spatulas LOL)
Skimmer and slotted spoons - got a few
Egg lifters - got a few
Tongs
Can opener, corkscrew and bottle opener - own
Graters - own
Japenese grater and mandolin
Colander and strainers - own
Sieves of all sizes and shapes and fine and coarse mesh
Measuring jugs - got one but can't see the measurements very well
Measuring cups
Measuring spoons
Whisks
Pepper mill
Piping bags
Mortar and Pestle
Kitchen and Poultry Shears
Muslin (somehow I don't see myself using this LOL)
Cake coolers
Cake tins - have one
Biscuit trays - have 2 but scratched up
Muffin trays - have one
Springform pan
Baking dishes
Pie plates
Lamington tins
Ramekins
Quiche dish
Tart dishes
Rolling pin
Pantry Staples
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Paranoid
I'm paranoid now. I'm going around wondering if others are over analysing my ever move. I'm wondering if my actions or non-actions are going to come up to bite me on the arse down the track. I'm wondering how I'm going to please everyone all of the time. I'm wondering when I put time into another important event or anything that's important to me are people going to resent that? My friends? My family? When I get into uni, am I to put a disclaimer out there that I'm going to be busy and pre-occupied and may come across like I'm distant and obsessive? Should I assume that everyone is going to misinterpret my actions to make out that it's somehow a reflection of how I feel about them?
What a way to live hey!
I'm not sure I want to live like that! Fuck that for a joke! No thanks!
And just think...I don't even have to do anything...and I still get blamed. The wedding venue people are the ones who put the placecards out! I gave them the placecards and the table number...THEY put them on the prospective seats...not me. Maybe subconciously I gave them a message...like through telepathy.."Make sure you seat this person and this person and this person with their back to me...because I don't think much of their friendship." Wow I must be so talented to be able to do that. Now I'm wondering if my other friends or FAMILY MEMBERS who were seated BY THE VENUE PEOPLE with their backs to me and they're sitting around quietly resenting me for it! Was I wrong to assume that the people I care about know me well enough to know I wouldn't have done it on purpose? Oh and I had put my own sister and cousins at that table too...maybe they secretly think I conspired against them as well?? They moved on their own accord...I didn't move them - but that doesn't matter to some people though hey.
What about this person? Were they pissed off that they were pushed out of their table and they had to find another seat...they had to move themselves? Do they think I subconsiously sent a telepathic message to the people who pushed them out?
What about when I didn't go to my friend's birthday dinner thing the other week....should I be worried now that they've added this to the many things I've done on the list...ready for a time when they can throw it in my face?
Maybe I should become a recluse? Because it's obvious that it doesn't matter what I do or what I don't do or the reasons behind it...there is always going to be someone out there who will think the worst of me no matter what!
Should I even care?
What a way to live hey!
I'm not sure I want to live like that! Fuck that for a joke! No thanks!
And just think...I don't even have to do anything...and I still get blamed. The wedding venue people are the ones who put the placecards out! I gave them the placecards and the table number...THEY put them on the prospective seats...not me. Maybe subconciously I gave them a message...like through telepathy.."Make sure you seat this person and this person and this person with their back to me...because I don't think much of their friendship." Wow I must be so talented to be able to do that. Now I'm wondering if my other friends or FAMILY MEMBERS who were seated BY THE VENUE PEOPLE with their backs to me and they're sitting around quietly resenting me for it! Was I wrong to assume that the people I care about know me well enough to know I wouldn't have done it on purpose? Oh and I had put my own sister and cousins at that table too...maybe they secretly think I conspired against them as well?? They moved on their own accord...I didn't move them - but that doesn't matter to some people though hey.
What about this person? Were they pissed off that they were pushed out of their table and they had to find another seat...they had to move themselves? Do they think I subconsiously sent a telepathic message to the people who pushed them out?
What about when I didn't go to my friend's birthday dinner thing the other week....should I be worried now that they've added this to the many things I've done on the list...ready for a time when they can throw it in my face?
Maybe I should become a recluse? Because it's obvious that it doesn't matter what I do or what I don't do or the reasons behind it...there is always going to be someone out there who will think the worst of me no matter what!
Should I even care?
Friday, 15 June 2012
For those who are Losing Weight
Let this be a warning to you.
You are not going to be well supported by those around you. I don't know why...jealousy maybe? Or maybe it's because you're no longer putting all your attention on them...rather you're giving yourself your attention now (how dare you)? I don't know... but no matter how much you need to lose, whether it's 100kg, 50kg or 20kg...it's going to take hard work plenty of motivation, and a whole heap of dedication to do it.
You're going to have A LOT of support to start with. You'll have family and friends commenting on your progress with "Well done", "That's awesome", "Keep up the good work" in the beginning. In the beginning you will have all the support in the world. Then eventually when people realise it's not just a fad this time...that you're actually serious and actually getting results...not the pissy kilo here and there...but significant life changing results...the support is going to drop off. Suddenly they're going to go from "Well done"..."That's awesome!" to...."You're looking really good right now, I don't think you need to lose anymore", "If you lose anymore you're not going to look good", "Don't you think you've lost enough?" and "You're being a bit obsessed with weightloss aren't you?".
But don't let it get you down and lose your motivation. Remember your goal! Remember why you're doing it! Remember why you started....and think about how good and proud you feel right now!
And most of all remember....
Right now I'm feeling really good about what I've acheived. I don't need negative nancys putting their spin on it...don't need that and never will. I'm healthier than I have been in a long time. I have more energy, I have a bounce in my step and I have more confidence now. I have not had a cold or flu in over 7 months...this whole year...NOT ONE cold or flu...proving how my immunity has improved since incorporating a healthier lifestyle into my life. And I can't wait to go to the doctor and have my blood pressure checked and see how much lower it is since the last time. I can't wait to have the doctor tell me that I'm no longer at risk of diabetes. I won't apologise for it...I won't. And neither should any of you!
But if you're reading this...and you've just started losing weight, I just wanted to let you know what may eventually happen to you. I want you to be forewarned and ready to take your motivation with both hands and run! And for those who have already lost weight...you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about and may have already been forced to go into secrecy with your weighloss. You've probably already stopped sharing your acheivements with such people LOL Sad that you have to do that...but necessary in a world where everyone takes what you do to be a reflection on them somehow.
So let this be a warning to all you weightlosers out there!!! Soar with the eagles...and don't let the turkeys get you down! :)
Happy Losing you losers!!!!!
You are not going to be well supported by those around you. I don't know why...jealousy maybe? Or maybe it's because you're no longer putting all your attention on them...rather you're giving yourself your attention now (how dare you)? I don't know... but no matter how much you need to lose, whether it's 100kg, 50kg or 20kg...it's going to take hard work plenty of motivation, and a whole heap of dedication to do it.
You're going to have A LOT of support to start with. You'll have family and friends commenting on your progress with "Well done", "That's awesome", "Keep up the good work" in the beginning. In the beginning you will have all the support in the world. Then eventually when people realise it's not just a fad this time...that you're actually serious and actually getting results...not the pissy kilo here and there...but significant life changing results...the support is going to drop off. Suddenly they're going to go from "Well done"..."That's awesome!" to...."You're looking really good right now, I don't think you need to lose anymore", "If you lose anymore you're not going to look good", "Don't you think you've lost enough?" and "You're being a bit obsessed with weightloss aren't you?".
But don't let it get you down and lose your motivation. Remember your goal! Remember why you're doing it! Remember why you started....and think about how good and proud you feel right now!
And most of all remember....
Right now I'm feeling really good about what I've acheived. I don't need negative nancys putting their spin on it...don't need that and never will. I'm healthier than I have been in a long time. I have more energy, I have a bounce in my step and I have more confidence now. I have not had a cold or flu in over 7 months...this whole year...NOT ONE cold or flu...proving how my immunity has improved since incorporating a healthier lifestyle into my life. And I can't wait to go to the doctor and have my blood pressure checked and see how much lower it is since the last time. I can't wait to have the doctor tell me that I'm no longer at risk of diabetes. I won't apologise for it...I won't. And neither should any of you!
But if you're reading this...and you've just started losing weight, I just wanted to let you know what may eventually happen to you. I want you to be forewarned and ready to take your motivation with both hands and run! And for those who have already lost weight...you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about and may have already been forced to go into secrecy with your weighloss. You've probably already stopped sharing your acheivements with such people LOL Sad that you have to do that...but necessary in a world where everyone takes what you do to be a reflection on them somehow.
So let this be a warning to all you weightlosers out there!!! Soar with the eagles...and don't let the turkeys get you down! :)
Happy Losing you losers!!!!!
I've Decided
...that from now on I'm going to enter friendships with a disclaimer! And it's going to go like this...
That's what I'm going to say. In fact I'm going to let this be known to my current friends and family now, actually. I don't think it's fair that people do that. I don't think it's fair...that you're going along your merry way thinking everything's ok,.,,,but others are viewing what you do, say, think or feel, and stockpiling any supposed misbehaviour for a time when it's convenient for them to bring it up! Like maybe when they hope to exonerate themselves perhaps?
I don't do it! I never do. In my mind...if I'm not willing to talk about it when it's happening then it can't really be THAT BAD can it?...how can it be?
At least if I take that stance I won't have to be running aroud paranoid that everything I do is being microanalysed then used against me when it suits people. They're going to know where they stand with me from day one...and if they don't like it...well...they will either have to learn to like it or lump it or piss off! Because this WILL NOT happen to me again.
Never again will I be going about my business, thinking everythings good....then to turn out that it wasn't good. Never! Never again will I tolerate other people's perceptions that they've conjured up by analysing my every move then use it against me in the hopes to make themselves feel better about their behaviour.
I'm imperfect. Sometimes I stuff up. Sometimes I don't think. And sometimes others perceive my actions and base them on their own insecurities and experiences too and blow them up to mean something totally different ...and I won't be subject to that again!
I've grown up believing that I'm a speck in the universe. I've grown up believing that the world does NOT revolve around me. I've grown up believing that not everyone is out to get me. And in doing so...I then don't read into other people's actions and turn it into being something about me somehow. But I know that other people do...and from now on...I'm not going to fall into that trap! Not going to allow people to do that to me. If you think I'm doing something TO YOU then you damn well come and talk to me about it AT THE TIME or not at all!!! I will not listen to any grievances when I don't have the opportunity to clarify or fix any problems you have at the time of the crime. Won't listen to it...won't hear it! End of story. Don't like it? Stiff shit!
If I do anything, or say anything or piss you off in any way, shape or form come and talk to me about it at the time. Don't hold onto it. Don't let it go. No matter how insignificant you may think it is...come and talk to me. If you don't want to, or feel you don't need to...that's fine but then you DO NOT have the right to bring it up at a later date. If it's not significant enough to bring it up with me AT.THE.TIME, then it most certainly isn't significant enough to bring it up at any other time either.
That's what I'm going to say. In fact I'm going to let this be known to my current friends and family now, actually. I don't think it's fair that people do that. I don't think it's fair...that you're going along your merry way thinking everything's ok,.,,,but others are viewing what you do, say, think or feel, and stockpiling any supposed misbehaviour for a time when it's convenient for them to bring it up! Like maybe when they hope to exonerate themselves perhaps?
I don't do it! I never do. In my mind...if I'm not willing to talk about it when it's happening then it can't really be THAT BAD can it?...how can it be?
At least if I take that stance I won't have to be running aroud paranoid that everything I do is being microanalysed then used against me when it suits people. They're going to know where they stand with me from day one...and if they don't like it...well...they will either have to learn to like it or lump it or piss off! Because this WILL NOT happen to me again.
Never again will I be going about my business, thinking everythings good....then to turn out that it wasn't good. Never! Never again will I tolerate other people's perceptions that they've conjured up by analysing my every move then use it against me in the hopes to make themselves feel better about their behaviour.
I'm imperfect. Sometimes I stuff up. Sometimes I don't think. And sometimes others perceive my actions and base them on their own insecurities and experiences too and blow them up to mean something totally different ...and I won't be subject to that again!
I've grown up believing that I'm a speck in the universe. I've grown up believing that the world does NOT revolve around me. I've grown up believing that not everyone is out to get me. And in doing so...I then don't read into other people's actions and turn it into being something about me somehow. But I know that other people do...and from now on...I'm not going to fall into that trap! Not going to allow people to do that to me. If you think I'm doing something TO YOU then you damn well come and talk to me about it AT THE TIME or not at all!!! I will not listen to any grievances when I don't have the opportunity to clarify or fix any problems you have at the time of the crime. Won't listen to it...won't hear it! End of story. Don't like it? Stiff shit!
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Can't write this anywhere else
So I'm just going to write it here. (yes I'm airing dirty laundry again)
R,
Thank you for finally letting me know what your grievances are about me. Now I know. I'm not going to go through point after point and defend myself. It's obvious that you've made up your mind about me and nothing I can say will change that. It's ashame you didn't come and speak to me about the issues you had. Instead you harboured these ill feelings and let them out at an inappropriate time. I'm sorry you didn't feel that you could come to me about these things before then so we could have talked it out. I'm sad that I've lost, what I thought, was a great friendship. And I'm even more sad that you lived in doubt of that for so long. For the record...I never did. That's why it was shocking to have you behave that way at my wedding, then even more shocking to come home to abusive fb messages, deleted and blocked and no idea why! Now I know why, so at least I have a reason now, however, in no way do I see it as an excuse.
Anyway, I wish you well in your life and hope you achieve all that you dream in the meantime.
Love D
R,
Thank you for finally letting me know what your grievances are about me. Now I know. I'm not going to go through point after point and defend myself. It's obvious that you've made up your mind about me and nothing I can say will change that. It's ashame you didn't come and speak to me about the issues you had. Instead you harboured these ill feelings and let them out at an inappropriate time. I'm sorry you didn't feel that you could come to me about these things before then so we could have talked it out. I'm sad that I've lost, what I thought, was a great friendship. And I'm even more sad that you lived in doubt of that for so long. For the record...I never did. That's why it was shocking to have you behave that way at my wedding, then even more shocking to come home to abusive fb messages, deleted and blocked and no idea why! Now I know why, so at least I have a reason now, however, in no way do I see it as an excuse.
Anyway, I wish you well in your life and hope you achieve all that you dream in the meantime.
Love D
Bridezilla!
The people who lived with me day in and day out...didn't think I was Brizezilla - and they'd know right? But apparantley I was Bridezilla!!!
Here me roar!
The Purpose of my Blog
You know the only names I mention on my blog are my own, my husband's or my children. If I talk about anyone else on here I most certainly do not mention their name. The only way someone is going to know who I'm talking about is if I tell them...or if the person I'm talking about tells them "Hey Des is talking about meeeee". Other than that...if I mention someone by way of a letter....like X for example, X wouldn't have any reason to feel embarrased or humiliated or that their personal stuff is being 'aired' on a public blog. I don't think someone all the way over in Hong Kong who's done a search on something and who happens to stumble on my blog is going to think "X did that?? Oh how terrible" No they're going to think "Boring blog' then quickly press 'X' and get out as fast as they can and try to forget the drivvle they've just read! And, as I said, if anyone does work out who I'm talking about...it would only be because the person themselves has told them - which means they have humiliated themselves by revealing their own identity to said person.
As for airing of dirty laundry. You know what? This is my blog! The purpose of my blog is to express myself and record shit...I don't know...but it's MY BLOG and I can do with it as I god damn please thanks very much. Don't like it? Don't read it! Simple!
My blog hasn't been all that exciting lately anyway...for the last 6 months I've mainly be recording my weightloss...because I'm so obsessed (or is it dedicated?) now because I'd been making half arsed attempts at losing weight for the last 4 years and not going anywhere ...then complaining about it...then making yet another half arsed attempt. So then I finally pulled my finger out and became DEDICATED to losing weight, after all - you need to change something when you want change...instead of complaining about it all the time! But apparantly being obsessed/dedicated to losing weight is a crime now. Did you know? So is organising a wedding apparantely. Cos we all turn into bridezillas and weightloss fanatics and distance ourselves from people....and don't even know they're doing it! And no one tells them either. Well actually they DO tell them....but not until after they've turned on them, abused them and said horrible things...THEN they tell you - "Oh by the way the reason I'm such a bitch is because you were so caught up in losing weight and organising wedding stuff and I was such a good friend to NOT tell you...till now...and now I'm going to throw it in your face and hold it against you! Kay?" Soooo I'm going to stop losing weight so that YOU can feel better about YOURSELF?
Aaaanyway...back to boring blogs. Now looking back...it's been about weight and weddings, so maybe some people may have a point about that. Now I have to find a new obs...I mean...dedication! Well actually I have - RECIPES!!!!
Oh I've been trawling the internet (using my other obsession) to find really cool recipes! Basically I am going to try new recipes on my family,...trying not to kill them in the process!!!
How cool's that? So I'll be blogging about that now....so more boring obsessive shit that random people from Hong Kong can google then go and gouge their eyes out with blunt spoons for after they read it!
So that's the purpose of my blog! And I'm not going to apologise for it...I'm just going to do the do and get on with it.
Oh and one more thing.....
I'm still losing weight!!! And I was the most beautiful princess on my wedding day because it's a free country and I'm allowed to be!
So there!
***disclaimer - I have nothing against people from Hong Kong. In fact I feel so highly about them that I would think them too intelligent to think anything about my blog as interesting***
As for airing of dirty laundry. You know what? This is my blog! The purpose of my blog is to express myself and record shit...I don't know...but it's MY BLOG and I can do with it as I god damn please thanks very much. Don't like it? Don't read it! Simple!
My blog hasn't been all that exciting lately anyway...for the last 6 months I've mainly be recording my weightloss...because I'm so obsessed (or is it dedicated?) now because I'd been making half arsed attempts at losing weight for the last 4 years and not going anywhere ...then complaining about it...then making yet another half arsed attempt. So then I finally pulled my finger out and became DEDICATED to losing weight, after all - you need to change something when you want change...instead of complaining about it all the time! But apparantly being obsessed/dedicated to losing weight is a crime now. Did you know? So is organising a wedding apparantely. Cos we all turn into bridezillas and weightloss fanatics and distance ourselves from people....and don't even know they're doing it! And no one tells them either. Well actually they DO tell them....but not until after they've turned on them, abused them and said horrible things...THEN they tell you - "Oh by the way the reason I'm such a bitch is because you were so caught up in losing weight and organising wedding stuff and I was such a good friend to NOT tell you...till now...and now I'm going to throw it in your face and hold it against you! Kay?" Soooo I'm going to stop losing weight so that YOU can feel better about YOURSELF?
Aaaanyway...back to boring blogs. Now looking back...it's been about weight and weddings, so maybe some people may have a point about that. Now I have to find a new obs...I mean...dedication! Well actually I have - RECIPES!!!!
Oh I've been trawling the internet (using my other obsession) to find really cool recipes! Basically I am going to try new recipes on my family,...trying not to kill them in the process!!!
How cool's that? So I'll be blogging about that now....so more boring obsessive shit that random people from Hong Kong can google then go and gouge their eyes out with blunt spoons for after they read it!
So that's the purpose of my blog! And I'm not going to apologise for it...I'm just going to do the do and get on with it.
Oh and one more thing.....
I'm still losing weight!!! And I was the most beautiful princess on my wedding day because it's a free country and I'm allowed to be!
So there!
***disclaimer - I have nothing against people from Hong Kong. In fact I feel so highly about them that I would think them too intelligent to think anything about my blog as interesting***
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Friendship!
Aaron and I have had our wedding. But I'd like to wait to get all our photos first before I talk about that, so I can talk about it in pictures ;) But just quickly ...it was a lovely magical day that we will always treasure with all our hearts :)
But one major thing really marred, what should have been the happiest day of our lives. A break down of a friendship!
I take friendship very seriously. I'm loyal and accepting...but at the same time I'm not in-your-face either. But I do view friendships as important and since I haven't had many REAL friends, any friends I do find I treasure. That's me...that's who I am!
Unfortunatley not everyone feels the same way in return. Trust is a huge thing for me. I take a while to fully open up to people and just be myself...because I'm afraid to give too much of myself only to have it thrown back in my face and hurt. I don't know why this happens...or how. But it just does. But when it does...it's quite hurtful because, by this stage, I have come to trust the person enough to reveal more of myself and then more and more.
Now this particular person I wish to talk about...well she's an oddball! And I don't say that in a mean way at all...it's actually an endearment of sorts. She's excentric (sp?) and intense and even neurotic. But she's who she is and I accepted her anyway warts and all.
I met her over 3 years ago on an internet parenting forum. We both have very strong views and would voice them...and we both admired each other's tenacity. I was living in Brisbane at that stage and one day we met up...with a few other members for a coffee. The other members were nice but for some reason this lady (I'll call her R) and I really hit it off.
And so the friendship began!
Slow at first. And we moved to Toowoomba....and about 18 mths later R and her family also moved to Toowoomba. Since then our friendship has grown considerably! R has had many many things happen in her life, including domestic violence and a break up etc. I opened my house for her and her family to stay...with no thought of my family and how we would cope....I just didn't think about us...I thought more about her. Being a feminist, I'm extremely passionate about women and especially those who are being mistreated. So I didn't even bat an eyelid about having her here. She was here for a few days...but moved on because she was afraid he was going to come after her.
As things settled down and R going through custody and marital and new relationship issues. Our friendship mosied on....
Until my wedding that is...
I knew nothing of anything other than...getting married. As one tends to do on their wedding day. I had organised for R to come and help me get dressed. Mainly because she'd helped me before and so she'd know what to do. As it turned out, I didn't need her and when she rang me that morning, I told her I didn't need her and why. She said she still had the flu anyway and didn't want to give it to me...all good. Got married, had photos, spoke to her in between the wedding and the reception and complained about people not turning up. Went into the reception place. Had speeches...father in law gives a speech and she yells out at my father in law who is giving a speech at his son's wedding. Obviously drunk. I'm thinking, at the time, that she's been drinking and did something silly while drinking. Father in law, makes a quip about stupid people and promptly ends the speech before getting to the good parts! Before the meals came out, her kids come to us to let us know that they were leaving because 'Mum's sick'. So I'm thinking that R was drinking so much and threw up....poor R.
I thought nothing else.
We went about the rest of the wedding. Had a magical night away, went for lunch and shopping with my sisters. Came home and checked fb to find the most awful messages from her!!! They made me cry and become so confused! So very very confused!!!!
These are the messages -
First I find this one...
What an awful thing to find the day after your wedding!!! I cried! I had no idea where this came from. She heckled MY father in law at MY wedding but she was angry with ME? Shouldn't it have been the other way round?
Anyway because she had deleted me as a friend and also blocked me, I didn't see the other messages she left on my events page. I found these ones because I was frantically asking some of my guests if there's anything they know...if there were arguements or things said at the wedding that I need to know about. Because at this stage I had no idea. A friend found the other messages and copied and pasted them to me...
So by this stage I'm even more confused than before. Why was SHE crying? I didn't try and ruin HER wedding!!! What was she talking about? What business was it of hers what our fathers said at our wedding? Shouldn't I have been the one crying? After all she'd heckled MY father in law and made a scene at MY wedding...then abused me through facebook messages. All without actually talking to me about it! How in the world was this about her? How was she able to do this? How was she able to make MY wedding day about her???
When it started - Well I don't know for sure. I can only speculate by talking to people etc but from what I can gather, apparantely heading up to the wedding I was 'distant' from her. I really don't know what that means. I know that I was MEGA busy leading up to the wedding. I had a lot of appointments. I was stressed out to the max and then Aaron came home and we were pretty much out everyday getting things done. Worrying about money etc. If it seemed that I was distant well it was because I was a BRIDE getting ready for a wedding but I most certainly didn't wake up one day and think "Gee I think I might becom distant from R...just because" Trust me...during all the stress of the wedding and that...I wasn't thinking about R. (which incidently was probably the problem...I probably SHOULD have been thinking about R...according to her - I don't know)
I had asked R during that time, to help me get dressed at the wedding. The reason I asked her was because she had already dressed me for a fitting before and I figured we'd need someone who'd done it before to be there to guide us along. As it turned out....I had to be dressed 2 more times and my sister helped me both times and had also asked a seamstress for some pointers, so my sister was pretty clued in by the wedding day. So when R rang me the morning of my wedding, I told this to her. She seemed ok with it. She even said that she still had the flu and didn't want to give it to me anyway. I think I whinged about my grandparents bailing on me as well and how unhappy I was. That's all I can remember of the conversation. But my overall feeling of the conversation was that R was ok with it...even a bit relieved, after all she had kids that she needed to organised too.
May I also add in here....that I didn't know if R was going to bring everyone with her (they only had one car). At one stage I had 12 people in my bedroom! And I had 15 people in my house. If she had brought everone with her...there would have been 20 people in my house and 14 people in my bedroom on my wedding day. So needless to say...it was probably a good thing that I didn't need her afterall.
I didn't know this at the time, but apparantely this hurt her feelings. I wasn't intending on hurting her feelings. After all I wasn't thinking about her...I was too busy getting ready for a wedding. Suffice it to say that if she'd been put out about it...the reasonable thing to do was to wait until after the excitement of the wedding to be over and then come over for a coffee and quietly let me know how she felt about it. That's what most people would have done. Clearly she's not most people.
The wedding took place...then the speeches, where she heckled my father in law while he was trying to give a speech at his son's wedding. Who does that? Well.... at the time, I thought...drunk people do stupid things like that at weddings. And as I said earlier, I thought she was drunk and wasn't thinking (she apparantly had filled a powerade bottle with alcohol and was going around with that...so yes drunk!). Honestly I was willing to forgive and let this go. But then she left as well and cost us a couple of hundred dollars and left those god-awful messages!
Left in the corner? - I can only assume she meant the fact that her and her family were left on a table by themselves. This wasn't intentional. Seating guests is a stressful thing. It caused arguments between Aaron and I. But in the end we had R and her family sitting with my family. Yes that's right! I thought highly enough of her that I had her seated with MY FAMILY!!! Unfortunately 14 of my family didn't bother to turn up...even after confirming they would. Of course I didn't know any of this until just before we went into the reception hall. So there were huge gaps in all the seating,...people had moved and my sister had moved people also...without my knowledge, so that I wouldn't stress out. This left R and her family on a table by themselves! My sister in law and her family were also left on their own...but unlike R, she just moved everyone. Other people moved to. Why didn't R move? Nobody else was offended! Nobody thought badly of me...just R! R's the only one that took it personally! R's the only one who made it about her!
What kind of a friend does this? - What kind of a friend would just assume *I* had put her there all by herself on purpose? What kind of a friend would not just give me the benefit of the doubt KNOWING that people didn't turn up! Not a very good friend - that's who! It's painfully obvious to me now that she wasn't/isn't a good friend. She says in her messages that I was her last friend. Well...now we know why! If this is the kind of friend she is...then it's any wonder that I was her last one.
And what's this about our fathers? - What had our fathers done to her to warrant them being 'cunts'? How is this anything about her? What has it to do with her? Neither of them had even spoken to her! Self-centred! That's what she is! It's probably the real reason her own children don't want her involved in the important times in their lives either. They probably know what she would do. They probably already know what I've just found out....that she would make it about her! Somehow she would turn anything to be about her. She would turn any important event around to her! And take offence about anything, even though it's not about her!
My daughter told her daughter that I hadn't intentionally seated R by herself...and her daughter told her and you know what she said in return? "I don't care". Well duh!!!! Obviously! I knew she didn't care! If she'd have cared she wouldn't have done what she did. If she cared she would have quietly come and talked to me at an appropriate time about her concerns. But she doesn't care! She doesn't care about anyone but her self. And I'm sure it's obvious to anyone reading this that she must be pretty unhinged to have turned on me this way. As I said...I had no idea why she'd done what she did. This is all speculation on talking to others...because she didn't do the decent thing, as a good friend should, and talk to me about it. She's just abused me and dumped me (on my wedding day mind you) like *I* was the one who did her wrong and not the other way round.
Anyway...I don't need that kind of 'friend' in my life. As I said...I'm loyal, but I'm not a doormat! She says that she welcomes a phone call when I can be 'myself'. Her peception of that day has nothing to do with reality. I am myself...I am always myself. She's not herself! And I'm not going to call her. She can bloody well call me! Then I can tell her what I really think of her to her face and not hide behind fb messages like a coward! And that is...she is not a good friend! I'll never be able to look back on my wedding day without thinking about what she's done now....and this will go with me for the rest of my life. I don't trust her anymore...I was wrong to trust her in the first place. I wish her well...but I can no longer be friends with someone like her.
But one major thing really marred, what should have been the happiest day of our lives. A break down of a friendship!
I take friendship very seriously. I'm loyal and accepting...but at the same time I'm not in-your-face either. But I do view friendships as important and since I haven't had many REAL friends, any friends I do find I treasure. That's me...that's who I am!
Unfortunatley not everyone feels the same way in return. Trust is a huge thing for me. I take a while to fully open up to people and just be myself...because I'm afraid to give too much of myself only to have it thrown back in my face and hurt. I don't know why this happens...or how. But it just does. But when it does...it's quite hurtful because, by this stage, I have come to trust the person enough to reveal more of myself and then more and more.
Now this particular person I wish to talk about...well she's an oddball! And I don't say that in a mean way at all...it's actually an endearment of sorts. She's excentric (sp?) and intense and even neurotic. But she's who she is and I accepted her anyway warts and all.
I met her over 3 years ago on an internet parenting forum. We both have very strong views and would voice them...and we both admired each other's tenacity. I was living in Brisbane at that stage and one day we met up...with a few other members for a coffee. The other members were nice but for some reason this lady (I'll call her R) and I really hit it off.
And so the friendship began!
Slow at first. And we moved to Toowoomba....and about 18 mths later R and her family also moved to Toowoomba. Since then our friendship has grown considerably! R has had many many things happen in her life, including domestic violence and a break up etc. I opened my house for her and her family to stay...with no thought of my family and how we would cope....I just didn't think about us...I thought more about her. Being a feminist, I'm extremely passionate about women and especially those who are being mistreated. So I didn't even bat an eyelid about having her here. She was here for a few days...but moved on because she was afraid he was going to come after her.
As things settled down and R going through custody and marital and new relationship issues. Our friendship mosied on....
Until my wedding that is...
I knew nothing of anything other than...getting married. As one tends to do on their wedding day. I had organised for R to come and help me get dressed. Mainly because she'd helped me before and so she'd know what to do. As it turned out, I didn't need her and when she rang me that morning, I told her I didn't need her and why. She said she still had the flu anyway and didn't want to give it to me...all good. Got married, had photos, spoke to her in between the wedding and the reception and complained about people not turning up. Went into the reception place. Had speeches...father in law gives a speech and she yells out at my father in law who is giving a speech at his son's wedding. Obviously drunk. I'm thinking, at the time, that she's been drinking and did something silly while drinking. Father in law, makes a quip about stupid people and promptly ends the speech before getting to the good parts! Before the meals came out, her kids come to us to let us know that they were leaving because 'Mum's sick'. So I'm thinking that R was drinking so much and threw up....poor R.
I thought nothing else.
We went about the rest of the wedding. Had a magical night away, went for lunch and shopping with my sisters. Came home and checked fb to find the most awful messages from her!!! They made me cry and become so confused! So very very confused!!!!
These are the messages -
First I find this one...
FAKE~~~~~~
What an awful thing to find the day after your wedding!!! I cried! I had no idea where this came from. She heckled MY father in law at MY wedding but she was angry with ME? Shouldn't it have been the other way round?
Anyway because she had deleted me as a friend and also blocked me, I didn't see the other messages she left on my events page. I found these ones because I was frantically asking some of my guests if there's anything they know...if there were arguements or things said at the wedding that I need to know about. Because at this stage I had no idea. A friend found the other messages and copied and pasted them to me...
Delete me as an online friend... cut me out of your lives... I am sorry but I cant sit there on a table on my own isolated from everyone when I have loved you both so much. I cant sit there and hear your fathers talk worthless shit about you. You both look gorgeous but why the fuck you fed those fuck wits is out of my imagination. love you both always will, will be here for when you need me. till then this belligerent, anti-social, justice orientated, fact finding truth seeking bitch signs out. I believe in the both of you but those around you suck cocks. good luck
I have cried enough tonight.. hours of of it.. now you two can wear it.. you hurt me so fucking much. Goodbye
So by this stage I'm even more confused than before. Why was SHE crying? I didn't try and ruin HER wedding!!! What was she talking about? What business was it of hers what our fathers said at our wedding? Shouldn't I have been the one crying? After all she'd heckled MY father in law and made a scene at MY wedding...then abused me through facebook messages. All without actually talking to me about it! How in the world was this about her? How was she able to do this? How was she able to make MY wedding day about her???
When it started - Well I don't know for sure. I can only speculate by talking to people etc but from what I can gather, apparantely heading up to the wedding I was 'distant' from her. I really don't know what that means. I know that I was MEGA busy leading up to the wedding. I had a lot of appointments. I was stressed out to the max and then Aaron came home and we were pretty much out everyday getting things done. Worrying about money etc. If it seemed that I was distant well it was because I was a BRIDE getting ready for a wedding but I most certainly didn't wake up one day and think "Gee I think I might becom distant from R...just because" Trust me...during all the stress of the wedding and that...I wasn't thinking about R. (which incidently was probably the problem...I probably SHOULD have been thinking about R...according to her - I don't know)
I had asked R during that time, to help me get dressed at the wedding. The reason I asked her was because she had already dressed me for a fitting before and I figured we'd need someone who'd done it before to be there to guide us along. As it turned out....I had to be dressed 2 more times and my sister helped me both times and had also asked a seamstress for some pointers, so my sister was pretty clued in by the wedding day. So when R rang me the morning of my wedding, I told this to her. She seemed ok with it. She even said that she still had the flu and didn't want to give it to me anyway. I think I whinged about my grandparents bailing on me as well and how unhappy I was. That's all I can remember of the conversation. But my overall feeling of the conversation was that R was ok with it...even a bit relieved, after all she had kids that she needed to organised too.
May I also add in here....that I didn't know if R was going to bring everyone with her (they only had one car). At one stage I had 12 people in my bedroom! And I had 15 people in my house. If she had brought everone with her...there would have been 20 people in my house and 14 people in my bedroom on my wedding day. So needless to say...it was probably a good thing that I didn't need her afterall.
I didn't know this at the time, but apparantely this hurt her feelings. I wasn't intending on hurting her feelings. After all I wasn't thinking about her...I was too busy getting ready for a wedding. Suffice it to say that if she'd been put out about it...the reasonable thing to do was to wait until after the excitement of the wedding to be over and then come over for a coffee and quietly let me know how she felt about it. That's what most people would have done. Clearly she's not most people.
The wedding took place...then the speeches, where she heckled my father in law while he was trying to give a speech at his son's wedding. Who does that? Well.... at the time, I thought...drunk people do stupid things like that at weddings. And as I said earlier, I thought she was drunk and wasn't thinking (she apparantly had filled a powerade bottle with alcohol and was going around with that...so yes drunk!). Honestly I was willing to forgive and let this go. But then she left as well and cost us a couple of hundred dollars and left those god-awful messages!
Left in the corner? - I can only assume she meant the fact that her and her family were left on a table by themselves. This wasn't intentional. Seating guests is a stressful thing. It caused arguments between Aaron and I. But in the end we had R and her family sitting with my family. Yes that's right! I thought highly enough of her that I had her seated with MY FAMILY!!! Unfortunately 14 of my family didn't bother to turn up...even after confirming they would. Of course I didn't know any of this until just before we went into the reception hall. So there were huge gaps in all the seating,...people had moved and my sister had moved people also...without my knowledge, so that I wouldn't stress out. This left R and her family on a table by themselves! My sister in law and her family were also left on their own...but unlike R, she just moved everyone. Other people moved to. Why didn't R move? Nobody else was offended! Nobody thought badly of me...just R! R's the only one that took it personally! R's the only one who made it about her!
What kind of a friend does this? - What kind of a friend would just assume *I* had put her there all by herself on purpose? What kind of a friend would not just give me the benefit of the doubt KNOWING that people didn't turn up! Not a very good friend - that's who! It's painfully obvious to me now that she wasn't/isn't a good friend. She says in her messages that I was her last friend. Well...now we know why! If this is the kind of friend she is...then it's any wonder that I was her last one.
And what's this about our fathers? - What had our fathers done to her to warrant them being 'cunts'? How is this anything about her? What has it to do with her? Neither of them had even spoken to her! Self-centred! That's what she is! It's probably the real reason her own children don't want her involved in the important times in their lives either. They probably know what she would do. They probably already know what I've just found out....that she would make it about her! Somehow she would turn anything to be about her. She would turn any important event around to her! And take offence about anything, even though it's not about her!
My daughter told her daughter that I hadn't intentionally seated R by herself...and her daughter told her and you know what she said in return? "I don't care". Well duh!!!! Obviously! I knew she didn't care! If she'd have cared she wouldn't have done what she did. If she cared she would have quietly come and talked to me at an appropriate time about her concerns. But she doesn't care! She doesn't care about anyone but her self. And I'm sure it's obvious to anyone reading this that she must be pretty unhinged to have turned on me this way. As I said...I had no idea why she'd done what she did. This is all speculation on talking to others...because she didn't do the decent thing, as a good friend should, and talk to me about it. She's just abused me and dumped me (on my wedding day mind you) like *I* was the one who did her wrong and not the other way round.
Anyway...I don't need that kind of 'friend' in my life. As I said...I'm loyal, but I'm not a doormat! She says that she welcomes a phone call when I can be 'myself'. Her peception of that day has nothing to do with reality. I am myself...I am always myself. She's not herself! And I'm not going to call her. She can bloody well call me! Then I can tell her what I really think of her to her face and not hide behind fb messages like a coward! And that is...she is not a good friend! I'll never be able to look back on my wedding day without thinking about what she's done now....and this will go with me for the rest of my life. I don't trust her anymore...I was wrong to trust her in the first place. I wish her well...but I can no longer be friends with someone like her.
Weightloss Update
I think I'll start by saying that I've been very slack! I haven't blogged properly for quite some time. It's been about weightloss for the last 6 months and that's really boring. So I'm just going to update how things are going in this post...and then I'm going to move onto other things.
So....I got down to 62.3kg. My goal is 60kg...with a 2kg buffer so ideally 58kgs!
Then Aaron had 2 weeks off and with all the excitement of the wedding and dinners and having Aaron home I gained about 2 kilos...which wasn't so bad really. Thankfully I've now lost it again and I'm back down to 62.3kgs. So now I'm back on track!
I'm not as fanatical as I was. At the moment I'm unable to go to the gym as our car broke down the other day (again) so I'm doing some home exercises and still watching my calories....but I've also upped my calories slightly too.
So I have 2-4 kilos to go and then I can concentrate on maintainance, which I'm already working on.
All in all I've lost about 22kgs! I'm a size 10 last time I checked, and look really good and toned too!
So....I got down to 62.3kg. My goal is 60kg...with a 2kg buffer so ideally 58kgs!
Then Aaron had 2 weeks off and with all the excitement of the wedding and dinners and having Aaron home I gained about 2 kilos...which wasn't so bad really. Thankfully I've now lost it again and I'm back down to 62.3kgs. So now I'm back on track!
I'm not as fanatical as I was. At the moment I'm unable to go to the gym as our car broke down the other day (again) so I'm doing some home exercises and still watching my calories....but I've also upped my calories slightly too.
So I have 2-4 kilos to go and then I can concentrate on maintainance, which I'm already working on.
All in all I've lost about 22kgs! I'm a size 10 last time I checked, and look really good and toned too!
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