Isn't it sad that I hesitated in offering up my home to a friend in need today. I so wanted to help. While everyone around her was talking about staying in a women's shelter I was biting my tongue so I didn't offer my home.
I have a large home.
I have a large rumpus room.
It is not the Taj Mahal...but it's a roof and it's somewhere to stay for a while for somebody who is desperate.
I hesitated because I was hurt very badly by someone who I offered the very same room to. She had a list of things that didn't appeal to her. Even put me down for even offering it knowing that it's a rumpus room with toys and furnature in it and where kids play. It caused me to become hesitant in offering anything to anyone in the future, even if I believed the person will be grateful, I can't be sure...so I hesitate!
People are in need and I hesitate because of this ungrateful woman. When I was younger I slept on someone's couch and was grateful! Not this chick...nope, she wanted to be able to lock the door and lock her stuff up. Yeh...sorry...I think maybe she was looking for a motel??
Shameful!
I did offer it in the end....but made stipulations that it wasn't Buckingham palace! Hopefully she is the bigger person and is grateful! Some women and their children are currently sleeping in their cars...perhaps this other woman would have preferred that?
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Sunday, 7 October 2012
I Wanna Go to New Zealand!
Remember this post? I Wanna Go to Italy!
Well...it turns out, we're just going to make it happen!
When we were talking of actually getting married, it was always "When we've finished paying this off" or "When we're both working"...etc But then one day we decided to make it happen! I haven't really done anything because he just can't save. We can't! Well we haven't...till now!
A decision has been made and we're going to do it. If we have to put $50 a week away till we accumulate enough money...then so be it! But this is going to happen.
We've made a plan....first stop NEW ZEALAND! Naturally! We are going to aim for this time next year. If we don't make it....then we don't make it, we're not going to kill ourselves to make it....we'll just have to make it later than we want, but we have an approximate date at the very least! So far I've put away about $250...ha ha ha! BUT it will grow and before you know it we'll have enough and we're out of here.
Our first real holiday!!!!
We'll be taking the two youngest children to NZ because it is their heritage and we would like for them to meet their great grandmother before she dies, however future travels will just be us. Because we think that the others will have plenty of opportunity to travel themselves when they get older. Plus we would never get there if we had to pay for everyone! Although I think Dana and I have plans in the future...backpacking. But that's a little ways off yet :)
So New Zealand it is!
A lovely relaxing driving holiday, checking out the places Aaron grew up like Auckland and Tauranga, and checking out Matamata...Hobbit country and all the volcanic Guisers and things.
It's going to be so great! And we're going to make it happen. Watch this space!
Well...it turns out, we're just going to make it happen!
When we were talking of actually getting married, it was always "When we've finished paying this off" or "When we're both working"...etc But then one day we decided to make it happen! I haven't really done anything because he just can't save. We can't! Well we haven't...till now!
A decision has been made and we're going to do it. If we have to put $50 a week away till we accumulate enough money...then so be it! But this is going to happen.
We've made a plan....first stop NEW ZEALAND! Naturally! We are going to aim for this time next year. If we don't make it....then we don't make it, we're not going to kill ourselves to make it....we'll just have to make it later than we want, but we have an approximate date at the very least! So far I've put away about $250...ha ha ha! BUT it will grow and before you know it we'll have enough and we're out of here.
Our first real holiday!!!!
We'll be taking the two youngest children to NZ because it is their heritage and we would like for them to meet their great grandmother before she dies, however future travels will just be us. Because we think that the others will have plenty of opportunity to travel themselves when they get older. Plus we would never get there if we had to pay for everyone! Although I think Dana and I have plans in the future...backpacking. But that's a little ways off yet :)
So New Zealand it is!
A lovely relaxing driving holiday, checking out the places Aaron grew up like Auckland and Tauranga, and checking out Matamata...Hobbit country and all the volcanic Guisers and things.
It's going to be so great! And we're going to make it happen. Watch this space!
Sunday, 30 September 2012
The Angels Take Manhattan!
Well I've just watched one of the most anticipated episodes of Dr Who for the season. With all the hype going around about the Pond's departure I was expecting to be like this..
But I was more like this..
Call me heartless but it just didn't grab me this time.
Oh I know what Moffat was going for and there were some parts there that I'm sure, if the kid's weren't running around and all was quiet and I was able to concentrate...I would have been more like this...
All in all, however, the Weeping Angels didn't dissappoint in freaking me out...especially the statue of liberty!
Had me going like this...
The Romeo and Juliet reference was not lost on me, but couldn't believe that they were going to go out like that... I thought they were above that. And I never really 'believed' in Amy and Rory's relationship in the first place, especially not to the point of not wanting to go on without the other.
But the most heartwrenching part throughout the whole episode was the Doctor's plees for Amy to not look away from the angel and to stay with him.
The reference to the Raggedy Man was a nice touch and took me back to Amy's and the Doctor's earlier relationship.
It was a nice touch to take it back to when she was the 'girl who waited' but they could have played that up a little more though. But it was still sweet to refer back to that little girl who had so much faith that her Raggedy Man would come for her.
And it is how it ends for Amy but all of Dr Who Fandom is awaiting the intoduction of the Doctor's next companion...
and we will have to wait for the Christmas special now.
So we'll be waiting for another 3 months for the next installment....
He loves to make us wait doesn't he?
Till then I stick with my Oswin theory and I guess we'll see if I'm even a little bit right huh? ;)
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Wow...Talk About Bridezilla!
Just heard the most amazing story about a girl we know who's getting married. Apparently she comes from a well-to-do family who is marrying into money and her Fiance earns a lot of money.
Her fiance bought her a $15,000 engagement ring which she accidently flushed down the toilet because it is so big and bulky that it got caught in the toilet paper...but no matter he's bought her another one.
Her wedding is going to cost $50,000 and is being held at a 5 star resort! No, she's not a celebrity just a chick from Wynnum!
Add to that, she's turned into a right royal bitch. She's threatened one of her bridesmaids saying that she better not get pregnant (the poor girl and her husband have been trying for a quite a while), because she will be fat and ruin her photos. She texts her bridesmaids constantly and when they don't text back in a resonable amount of time, she rings them and tells them "When I text you about the wedding I expect an answer straight away please the wedding is getting close". Has threatened all her bridesmaids about getting fat and ruining her wedding.
There are a few other things I'm hearing that I can't remember right now but recently she wrote this as her fb status..."So got an email saying my wedding planning has gone on extended sick leave and not sure when she'll be back.... But in the mean time we'll replace her with an inexperienced person who hasn't taken the time to review your file and takes her time at replying to emails!!!!!! Stressed bride - CHECK! Hope my bridesmaids are ready for tears!"
To which Aaron commented with..."The wedding isnt till next year toughen up. she probably has cancer."
To which she replied with "Aaron!!!!!! Hahahaha bloody hell". She has now deleted Aaron as her friend LOL (She used to be my friend too but deleted me aaaaages ago. Wonder how bad she'd feel if the chick really did have a terminal illness...although she'd probably think how inconvenient of her to get sick!
The worst yet is that my sister in law's fiance has just been involved in a serious motobike accident where he's smashed his leg and arm into pieces and have had to have screws and plates put in and will be 6 months out of work (but thankfully covered by workcover). This girl....without actually asking about her best friend's fiance has sent her a text saying that if she can't afford to be her bridesmaid (yes my sister in law has to pay for her dress etc...despite the chick being made of money) that she'll understand but would like to know now please as the wedding's coming up really fast. What the?? Give the girl a chance!!! She's not thinking about YOUR wedding right now honey...she's busy...you know...up at the hospital with her fiance which you kept saying "Ewwww" about when A finally got to tell you what's happened and what she'll have to do for the next few months for the man she loves (take to toilet, dress, bath, wipe arse, empty piss bottle).
How's that for a Bridezilla huh? And get this....the wedding is not till....wait for it......June NEXT YEAR!!!!
And just to think that someone had the audacity to call ME a Bridezilla!!! Not on your life!!! I was freaking awesome!!!! (And I didn't even have bridesmaids to boss around or unlimited money to splurge with and my wedding was still described as a designer wedding by said person BAAAHAAHAAHAAAAA!)
Her fiance bought her a $15,000 engagement ring which she accidently flushed down the toilet because it is so big and bulky that it got caught in the toilet paper...but no matter he's bought her another one.
Her wedding is going to cost $50,000 and is being held at a 5 star resort! No, she's not a celebrity just a chick from Wynnum!
Add to that, she's turned into a right royal bitch. She's threatened one of her bridesmaids saying that she better not get pregnant (the poor girl and her husband have been trying for a quite a while), because she will be fat and ruin her photos. She texts her bridesmaids constantly and when they don't text back in a resonable amount of time, she rings them and tells them "When I text you about the wedding I expect an answer straight away please the wedding is getting close". Has threatened all her bridesmaids about getting fat and ruining her wedding.
There are a few other things I'm hearing that I can't remember right now but recently she wrote this as her fb status..."So got an email saying my wedding planning has gone on extended sick leave and not sure when she'll be back.... But in the mean time we'll replace her with an inexperienced person who hasn't taken the time to review your file and takes her time at replying to emails!!!!!! Stressed bride - CHECK! Hope my bridesmaids are ready for tears!"
To which Aaron commented with..."The wedding isnt till next year toughen up. she probably has cancer."
To which she replied with "Aaron!!!!!! Hahahaha bloody hell". She has now deleted Aaron as her friend LOL (She used to be my friend too but deleted me aaaaages ago. Wonder how bad she'd feel if the chick really did have a terminal illness...although she'd probably think how inconvenient of her to get sick!
The worst yet is that my sister in law's fiance has just been involved in a serious motobike accident where he's smashed his leg and arm into pieces and have had to have screws and plates put in and will be 6 months out of work (but thankfully covered by workcover). This girl....without actually asking about her best friend's fiance has sent her a text saying that if she can't afford to be her bridesmaid (yes my sister in law has to pay for her dress etc...despite the chick being made of money) that she'll understand but would like to know now please as the wedding's coming up really fast. What the?? Give the girl a chance!!! She's not thinking about YOUR wedding right now honey...she's busy...you know...up at the hospital with her fiance which you kept saying "Ewwww" about when A finally got to tell you what's happened and what she'll have to do for the next few months for the man she loves (take to toilet, dress, bath, wipe arse, empty piss bottle).
How's that for a Bridezilla huh? And get this....the wedding is not till....wait for it......June NEXT YEAR!!!!
And just to think that someone had the audacity to call ME a Bridezilla!!! Not on your life!!! I was freaking awesome!!!! (And I didn't even have bridesmaids to boss around or unlimited money to splurge with and my wedding was still described as a designer wedding by said person BAAAHAAHAAHAAAAA!)
Saturday, 15 September 2012
Where Does it Come From??
Determination. Where does it come from and what makes one person more determined than another?
Lately...well...within the last few years or so I've noticed that I seem to be a lot more determined than most people. I haven't really known why that is. I'm no better than anybody else, I don't believe I'm stronger than others...quite frankly I find myself quite weak in the grand scheme of things. Don't get me wrong...I'm strong, but I find that I'm not as strong as I know I can be, definetly not strong enough to have done the things I have done. Sometimes I think I've gotten through it all from sheer fluke, rather than any real talent on my part. I don't think much of myself, not in the low self-esteem type way but more in the realistic way. Realistically speaking, I'm not all that.....and really I've had a long time to become ok with that.
But underneath it all..the weakness, my inability to handle stress or pressure all that well....I have this determination, that, I guess, have gotten me through. I guess you can say it's a talent of sorts...I didn't create it, I don't think. I was probably born with it I guess. I must remember to ask my mum what she thinks about it...I'm sure she would say that I was stubborn. And I guess stubborness has hindered me in some ways but not others. I've noticed that stubborness has helped me in the important things. I'm not one to quit easily...I fight. I have too much pride to just give up on something....but then the 'something' has to be important to me and/or an actual decision rather than a pie in the sky idea.
I guess I should explore examples....
Losing weight! Ah the master of all 'mountains' to get over for most people. And just like most people I failed at that a few times. I quit way too soon. Which would give one the impression that I mustn't be very determined at all...I most certainly don't have any will power. I stopped and started so many times! But this is where it changed from this 'pie in the sky' ideal to an actual decision. Once I actually made that decision THAT WAS IT!!! I was determined. I pulled out all the stops...I quit making excuses. Trust me I had a lot of excuses and I could have formulated excuses anytime throughout my journey...as I had in the past, I was not above excuses...especially valid ones....oh they were all valid excuses! Really they were! But I was determined to do this. I was sick of being a fatty. I was sick of feeling down on myself and I was sick of seeing my self body issues dwindling...I WAS going to become healthy again and I was willing to do all that it took, as long as it was practical...to get there.
Isn't it funny to have that switch go off and suddenly you go from 'meh' to 'that's it I'm doing this'! What makes this happen I wonder? I had so much will power! I went to the gym almost every day....I HATED THE GYM but I kept going anyway. I wasn't going to allow my hatred for the gym or the inconvenience of the gym to get in the way of my goal. I had a goal and I was going to reach it. End of story.
Ok that's one example...
Another example would be Tupperware! I used to be a tupperware lady. I was good at it too, I was beginning to rake in some cash...or pocket money, if you will. But then I fell pregnant and between morning sickness and tiredness (being pregnant with 5 other children to take care of was no easy feat) I just couldn't do it anymore, I became complacent, and would make a few mistakes....that ordinarily I wouldn't have made. In the end I quit! Now where was that determination then? Yes I had an excuse...but I also know that there are many women who have been pregnant and had other children and worked full time and somehow managed. They were able to do it...why wasn't I? It came down to determination...they had it...I didn't.
Perhaps Tupperware wasn't all that important to me at the time...perhaps that's why I didn't fight as hard...but then getting fit was important to me and yet I stopped and started that many a time.
Breastfeeding...now this is a big one. I don't know where or how...but I had the determination and stubborness of a Bull!!! I didn't realise it at the time...but over the years from talking to other mothers and watching them struggle I've realised that I must have been one hell of a stubborn old cow!!
I had EVERYTHING going against me!!! I have had more 'issues' breastfeeding than a lot of other mothers (not all). And yet they quit...and I didn't. What made them quit and me succeed...not just once..oh no...but SIX TIMES? I'm no stronger than them...seriously I spent a lot of my early motherhood falling apart, mainy from not having enough support in my life more than anything And throughout all that, I never ACTUALLY fell apart...and I never ACTUALLY quit! Breastfeeding was not easy...and I was not 'lucky' as I've been told must have been the case, in fact being told that I was 'lucky' felt very condescending...ok maybe I was lucky once....or even twice but to be lucky 6 times?? If I was so lucky how come I haven't yet won the lottery?? Nah...it wasn't luck...it was determination, attitude and my management skills that got me through it. But where did I get them from? And why some things and with other things?
This brings me to daycare. I've never been one to think much of daycare at all....although my opinion has since changed slightly since my aunt, who I admire and trust as a person, started working there. Whilst understanding my concerns with childcare, she was able to share with me the positives that can come of it too. So I'm not all that against it these days. Nevertheless...I'm very proud of myself. I don't know how...and I don't know why...but somehow I've managed to go almost 16 years as a mother...through having a husband that was never emotionally present...go through an awful and bitter breakup and divorce, being a single mother...hooking up with someone new and dealing with the adjustment that brings...to miscarriage and moving and depression and all that...and....NOT ONCE...have I EVER resorted to sending my children to daycare! Not for any reason...as much as I may have needed a break or whatever the situation may have been...I never actually did send them.
Again...I'm not better than anyone else but I think the difference with me is the way I think about things. I think it's easy to blame the children for how hard your life is...that you need a break. I don't mean blame in a negative sense either...more so see the children as the reason for XYZ. I guess when I felt the most pressure in wanting to send them to daycare is when I changed how I saw the 'issue' itself. So instead of thinking to myself 'Well maybe if I send such and such to daycare then things will be better because I can have that one day to myself blah blah blah" I thought "No...it's not the child that's the problem...it's how I'm dealing with said child/situation". So in the case of breastfeeding...it wasn't the breastfeeding that was the enemy...breastfeeding was not causing my issues and my tiredness and the fact that I felt drained 24/7 it was my management of my breastfeeding...my management of my life...my management of my tiredness.
I guess I have this ability to ....eventually...cos lets face it initially I'd be all blaming of whatever until I actually stopped and thought about it LOL....see what the real problem was and rather than quit...try and see the situation and manage the situation another way.
Take my son for instance....Rhys! For a few years, probably from about 7/8 years (and on a smaller scale earlier than that even) till about 12ish...I had nothing but problems with him. His behaviour at school...his behaviour at home. My fear for him was that he was going to become a criminal by the time he hit his teens...and I was deadly serious. I got it from every which way...I had people telling me that perhaps I should send my son away to live with his father. I had it from his father. I had it from Aaron. I had it from my grandfather. I had it from my mother. I had it from friends. They were all saying...."Hey maybe you should send him to live with his father!"...each person giving their reasons as to why I should. But you know what? I KNEW that that wasn't the answer! I KNEW that quiting and sending my child away wasn't going to be the cure here. I just KNEW it was worth the fight...HE was worth the fight. And rather than look at HIM as the problem....rather I looked at my management of the situation. Again...quitting would have been the easy thing to do...stopping breastfeeding would have been easy...sending my kids to daycare would have been easy....quiting weight loss would have been easy ....and sending my son away would have been easy too.
To me...all those easy way outs just seemed such a copout! Yes I could of stopped breastfeeding, it certainly would have made my homelife better...maybe...but then what? How would I feel about myself if I just quit...why?...because it got hard?? Hello!!!! LIFE is hard! Everybody has hard. You don't just give up because it got hard! You don't just send your kid to daycare cos it's hard...you don't just quit the gym because it's hard.....you don't just send your child away cos it's hard! What kind of a presedence does that set when you start quiting important things because it's hard? What kind of a message would that have sent to my children? To my son? "Oh I sent you away because you got too hard". I KNEW that if I had done that, it would have done way more damage to him...and I think also it would have sent a message to my other kids that they can be sent away too if life gets too hard. That I can give up on my children...that I can give up on what's important...just like that!
In the end, what all this detemination and stubborness has gotten me is a sense of pride and empowerment beyond belief!!! Look what I've done??? I lost 25kg in 6 months...with 6 children to boot! I breastfed 6 children for 6 years!!! (one year each was my goal) I never resorted to dumping my kids into daycare just so I can have a 'break' (and God knows I needed one) and best of all I NEVER resorted to sending my son away because he became too hard.
Things are so so so so much better with him now. I don't know what's changed but it's been almost sudden, it's been almost an overnight change, that's how quick it was. Our relationship has grown considerably! I believe there's a few factors at play because he was slowly improving once we moved to Toowoomba and he started spending more time with his Dad...that was the beginning of the change. But the vast improvement has come this year. As much as I feared him starting highschool and thinking that if he can't cope with primary school...how the hell would he be able to cope with highschool...he has thrived!!! The change in him has been phenominal! He is a different kid. To have his SOSE teacher call me and tell me "Rhys gives me the impression that he's got it all together"...yeh wow! None of his primary teachers would have said that...NONE!
I think that it's partly because he's matured and grown into himself, perhaps how highschool is structured and how he's treated at highschool (like an adult?) is better for thim. But mostly I'd like to think the change within our relationship has come from knowing that I stuck by him and never gave up on him. I just knew that it'd be the wrong thing to do and a copout and the message he would have gotten from me would have been that I give up when the going gets tough and he would have lost his trust in me something shocking. I think he appreciates and trusts me more now. Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect by any means and he still has his moments...but now days these moments are easily dealt with and probably no different from any other teen whereas before it was almost unbearable and beating me down. But I'm glad I stuck to my guns because we are so much better off because of it. He even has goals now for when he leaves school...we've both sat down and worked out plan A, plan B...etc etc And for the first time he's showing enthusiasm for school work to the point where we are down to him only failing ONE subject! And because he's showing all this promise now, I'm willing to hire a tutor for him for next term to sort that out.
So yes...stubborness and determination can be bad sometimes but it can also have good outcomes...where the hell it comes from in me? I don't know. I'm really not all that...but somehow I dig deep down and I find this sense of determination and go like a bull at a gate and do not quit! I may want to...I may come very close to but somehow my pride doesn't allow me to!
I just hope this gets me through Uni bahaahaaaaa! ;)
Lately...well...within the last few years or so I've noticed that I seem to be a lot more determined than most people. I haven't really known why that is. I'm no better than anybody else, I don't believe I'm stronger than others...quite frankly I find myself quite weak in the grand scheme of things. Don't get me wrong...I'm strong, but I find that I'm not as strong as I know I can be, definetly not strong enough to have done the things I have done. Sometimes I think I've gotten through it all from sheer fluke, rather than any real talent on my part. I don't think much of myself, not in the low self-esteem type way but more in the realistic way. Realistically speaking, I'm not all that.....and really I've had a long time to become ok with that.
But underneath it all..the weakness, my inability to handle stress or pressure all that well....I have this determination, that, I guess, have gotten me through. I guess you can say it's a talent of sorts...I didn't create it, I don't think. I was probably born with it I guess. I must remember to ask my mum what she thinks about it...I'm sure she would say that I was stubborn. And I guess stubborness has hindered me in some ways but not others. I've noticed that stubborness has helped me in the important things. I'm not one to quit easily...I fight. I have too much pride to just give up on something....but then the 'something' has to be important to me and/or an actual decision rather than a pie in the sky idea.
I guess I should explore examples....
Losing weight! Ah the master of all 'mountains' to get over for most people. And just like most people I failed at that a few times. I quit way too soon. Which would give one the impression that I mustn't be very determined at all...I most certainly don't have any will power. I stopped and started so many times! But this is where it changed from this 'pie in the sky' ideal to an actual decision. Once I actually made that decision THAT WAS IT!!! I was determined. I pulled out all the stops...I quit making excuses. Trust me I had a lot of excuses and I could have formulated excuses anytime throughout my journey...as I had in the past, I was not above excuses...especially valid ones....oh they were all valid excuses! Really they were! But I was determined to do this. I was sick of being a fatty. I was sick of feeling down on myself and I was sick of seeing my self body issues dwindling...I WAS going to become healthy again and I was willing to do all that it took, as long as it was practical...to get there.
Isn't it funny to have that switch go off and suddenly you go from 'meh' to 'that's it I'm doing this'! What makes this happen I wonder? I had so much will power! I went to the gym almost every day....I HATED THE GYM but I kept going anyway. I wasn't going to allow my hatred for the gym or the inconvenience of the gym to get in the way of my goal. I had a goal and I was going to reach it. End of story.
Ok that's one example...
Another example would be Tupperware! I used to be a tupperware lady. I was good at it too, I was beginning to rake in some cash...or pocket money, if you will. But then I fell pregnant and between morning sickness and tiredness (being pregnant with 5 other children to take care of was no easy feat) I just couldn't do it anymore, I became complacent, and would make a few mistakes....that ordinarily I wouldn't have made. In the end I quit! Now where was that determination then? Yes I had an excuse...but I also know that there are many women who have been pregnant and had other children and worked full time and somehow managed. They were able to do it...why wasn't I? It came down to determination...they had it...I didn't.
Perhaps Tupperware wasn't all that important to me at the time...perhaps that's why I didn't fight as hard...but then getting fit was important to me and yet I stopped and started that many a time.
Breastfeeding...now this is a big one. I don't know where or how...but I had the determination and stubborness of a Bull!!! I didn't realise it at the time...but over the years from talking to other mothers and watching them struggle I've realised that I must have been one hell of a stubborn old cow!!
I had EVERYTHING going against me!!! I have had more 'issues' breastfeeding than a lot of other mothers (not all). And yet they quit...and I didn't. What made them quit and me succeed...not just once..oh no...but SIX TIMES? I'm no stronger than them...seriously I spent a lot of my early motherhood falling apart, mainy from not having enough support in my life more than anything And throughout all that, I never ACTUALLY fell apart...and I never ACTUALLY quit! Breastfeeding was not easy...and I was not 'lucky' as I've been told must have been the case, in fact being told that I was 'lucky' felt very condescending...ok maybe I was lucky once....or even twice but to be lucky 6 times?? If I was so lucky how come I haven't yet won the lottery?? Nah...it wasn't luck...it was determination, attitude and my management skills that got me through it. But where did I get them from? And why some things and with other things?
This brings me to daycare. I've never been one to think much of daycare at all....although my opinion has since changed slightly since my aunt, who I admire and trust as a person, started working there. Whilst understanding my concerns with childcare, she was able to share with me the positives that can come of it too. So I'm not all that against it these days. Nevertheless...I'm very proud of myself. I don't know how...and I don't know why...but somehow I've managed to go almost 16 years as a mother...through having a husband that was never emotionally present...go through an awful and bitter breakup and divorce, being a single mother...hooking up with someone new and dealing with the adjustment that brings...to miscarriage and moving and depression and all that...and....NOT ONCE...have I EVER resorted to sending my children to daycare! Not for any reason...as much as I may have needed a break or whatever the situation may have been...I never actually did send them.
Again...I'm not better than anyone else but I think the difference with me is the way I think about things. I think it's easy to blame the children for how hard your life is...that you need a break. I don't mean blame in a negative sense either...more so see the children as the reason for XYZ. I guess when I felt the most pressure in wanting to send them to daycare is when I changed how I saw the 'issue' itself. So instead of thinking to myself 'Well maybe if I send such and such to daycare then things will be better because I can have that one day to myself blah blah blah" I thought "No...it's not the child that's the problem...it's how I'm dealing with said child/situation". So in the case of breastfeeding...it wasn't the breastfeeding that was the enemy...breastfeeding was not causing my issues and my tiredness and the fact that I felt drained 24/7 it was my management of my breastfeeding...my management of my life...my management of my tiredness.
I guess I have this ability to ....eventually...cos lets face it initially I'd be all blaming of whatever until I actually stopped and thought about it LOL....see what the real problem was and rather than quit...try and see the situation and manage the situation another way.
Take my son for instance....Rhys! For a few years, probably from about 7/8 years (and on a smaller scale earlier than that even) till about 12ish...I had nothing but problems with him. His behaviour at school...his behaviour at home. My fear for him was that he was going to become a criminal by the time he hit his teens...and I was deadly serious. I got it from every which way...I had people telling me that perhaps I should send my son away to live with his father. I had it from his father. I had it from Aaron. I had it from my grandfather. I had it from my mother. I had it from friends. They were all saying...."Hey maybe you should send him to live with his father!"...each person giving their reasons as to why I should. But you know what? I KNEW that that wasn't the answer! I KNEW that quiting and sending my child away wasn't going to be the cure here. I just KNEW it was worth the fight...HE was worth the fight. And rather than look at HIM as the problem....rather I looked at my management of the situation. Again...quitting would have been the easy thing to do...stopping breastfeeding would have been easy...sending my kids to daycare would have been easy....quiting weight loss would have been easy ....and sending my son away would have been easy too.
To me...all those easy way outs just seemed such a copout! Yes I could of stopped breastfeeding, it certainly would have made my homelife better...maybe...but then what? How would I feel about myself if I just quit...why?...because it got hard?? Hello!!!! LIFE is hard! Everybody has hard. You don't just give up because it got hard! You don't just send your kid to daycare cos it's hard...you don't just quit the gym because it's hard.....you don't just send your child away cos it's hard! What kind of a presedence does that set when you start quiting important things because it's hard? What kind of a message would that have sent to my children? To my son? "Oh I sent you away because you got too hard". I KNEW that if I had done that, it would have done way more damage to him...and I think also it would have sent a message to my other kids that they can be sent away too if life gets too hard. That I can give up on my children...that I can give up on what's important...just like that!
In the end, what all this detemination and stubborness has gotten me is a sense of pride and empowerment beyond belief!!! Look what I've done??? I lost 25kg in 6 months...with 6 children to boot! I breastfed 6 children for 6 years!!! (one year each was my goal) I never resorted to dumping my kids into daycare just so I can have a 'break' (and God knows I needed one) and best of all I NEVER resorted to sending my son away because he became too hard.
Things are so so so so much better with him now. I don't know what's changed but it's been almost sudden, it's been almost an overnight change, that's how quick it was. Our relationship has grown considerably! I believe there's a few factors at play because he was slowly improving once we moved to Toowoomba and he started spending more time with his Dad...that was the beginning of the change. But the vast improvement has come this year. As much as I feared him starting highschool and thinking that if he can't cope with primary school...how the hell would he be able to cope with highschool...he has thrived!!! The change in him has been phenominal! He is a different kid. To have his SOSE teacher call me and tell me "Rhys gives me the impression that he's got it all together"...yeh wow! None of his primary teachers would have said that...NONE!
I think that it's partly because he's matured and grown into himself, perhaps how highschool is structured and how he's treated at highschool (like an adult?) is better for thim. But mostly I'd like to think the change within our relationship has come from knowing that I stuck by him and never gave up on him. I just knew that it'd be the wrong thing to do and a copout and the message he would have gotten from me would have been that I give up when the going gets tough and he would have lost his trust in me something shocking. I think he appreciates and trusts me more now. Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect by any means and he still has his moments...but now days these moments are easily dealt with and probably no different from any other teen whereas before it was almost unbearable and beating me down. But I'm glad I stuck to my guns because we are so much better off because of it. He even has goals now for when he leaves school...we've both sat down and worked out plan A, plan B...etc etc And for the first time he's showing enthusiasm for school work to the point where we are down to him only failing ONE subject! And because he's showing all this promise now, I'm willing to hire a tutor for him for next term to sort that out.
So yes...stubborness and determination can be bad sometimes but it can also have good outcomes...where the hell it comes from in me? I don't know. I'm really not all that...but somehow I dig deep down and I find this sense of determination and go like a bull at a gate and do not quit! I may want to...I may come very close to but somehow my pride doesn't allow me to!
I just hope this gets me through Uni bahaahaaaaa! ;)
Saturday, 8 September 2012
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