Woman's Circle.

I had a unique experience yesterday...but a familiar one at the same time. I went to the markets and hung out in the 'red tent' and we had, what's called, a woman's circle.  Basically woman sit around and pass around a 'talking bowl' and the person who's holding the talking bowl speaks about whatever that's on their mind, then passes the bowl to the next person. 

I have heard of that concept before where the person holding the 'baseball bat' or some other inanimate object get to speak and no one interrupts them, a very good way of getting heard where you would probably be interrupted a million times.

At the beginning we all held hands and conjured the earth's energy into the circle through our own energy...or something like that.  It was all very familiar, in the sense that it seemed very controled and religious.  Everyone is quiet while we 'pray' for the Holy Spirit to come into the congregation etc etc...bowing one's head and closing one's eyes.  Of course, me being a christian, I only invited one energy into that circle and asked only one God for his hand on us during that time....so maybe it brought the 'religious' aspect that way.  Although 'religion' isn't just about faith in God, it's also about faith in anything...the goddess even, or the universe.  Religion is also about something you do over and over religiously.  I wouldn't think it was a negative thing....it was kind of nice to have one objective within the circle, even if we were praying to a different god. 

But there was one negative thing that, I felt, was a bit on the unnatural side....while one is holding the bowl and speaking, we weren't allowed to placate the person.  So if someone was starting to feel sad and get teary...the natural side of me (and most women) is to give the person a hug or say 'there there' or something...and we weren't to do that, we just let the person feel that feeling.  Although I can understand why one would need to do that....I still felt that it went against what women do best, which is nurturing, comfort etc  So I kinda felt that my hands were tied behind my back a little...controled, repressed...just with that aspect.  Although there is nothing really 'wrong' with that, I did find it strange that us women are trying to get back to our roots and fighting for who we really are and to escape oppression...so to be told 'No you arn't allowed to do what comes natural to you' sort of goes against that a tad. But I'm not one to buck the system, so I sat on my hands and used a lot of facial expressions to give that comfort...a lot of nodding (yes I get it!) etc etc 

I love being a woman, I love supporting other women...is one of the reasons why I want to become a midwife and a lactation consultant, I want to be able to faciliate women's strengths and teach them how feel liberated in a controled environment (such as the hospital).  To be able to do what one wants within the contrains of rules...to ask what one wants, to be assertive enough to 'command' (in the way one carries themselves) for what one wants.

I felt this during my own births...I felt like I was the boss here and those nurses were there to serve me which meant that however medicated (or unmedicated) my birth was, I still felt in control and that my body and my wishes were being respected.  Obviously I, myself, was limited by my knowledge...but we all are...in our everyday lives even...but the biggest thing is to feel like we are not feeling violated in any way.

This is what I want for women, so yesterday has encouraged me even more to get what I want :)

Coming off zoloft - cold turkey!

Yes cold turkey!   I'm an idiot right?

Well it started accidently really.  Sometimes I forget to renew my prescription and I'd go a few days up to a week without it and I'd start turning a bit 'manic' and quickly go and get on them again.

I've been on them for over 5 years now and I've had from 100mg to 50mg over the years but have been steady on 50mg since a little after having Flynn (2 years ago). 

I've been contemplating for a while whether to come off them or not and I've been a bit scared because my life, suffering from depression on and off for years, was hell and I simply did not want to go back there again. But recently, I was supporting a friend who was going through a marriage breakdown due (mostly) to verbal and emotional abuse by her husband and she concluded that she wasn't the crazy one after all and that it was the people (or person) around her that made her crazy....

So having forgotten to renew my prescription once again, I thought about what she had said and decided to just carry it through and see how I go cold turkey.  And to be honest, I really don't know how long it's been so far but I'm guessing it's been about 2 weeks so far...and well and truly by now I should be going nutso...but I'm not!

I think having someone around me who seemed crazier than I has helped, I also HAD to seem stable to be able to support her properly (no point both of us falling apart)  I also figured that a lot of the depression came to a head during my 10 year marriage to my ex husband and figure that maybe....just maybe....he was the one that caused me to spiral into depression time and time again.  He's no longer in the picture, and I have this wonderful wonderful man, in my life now (for the past 5 years) who really and truly loves the person I am and I know it...I know it deep down.  So even in trimes of stress, its different because I know I am loved.

I've also worked on a lot of issues from the past (my upbringing) that I've since come to terms with and have reconciled in my mind.  I've learned how to deal with these things better, I've learned to be a more 'down to earth' person by not taking things too seriously in life.  Aaron's helped with that, by being that way himself...naturally...then my eldest daughter is becoming more and more like that and as my other children grow, they are too....they are my inspiration!

So now I sit here...2 weeks into my 'accidently, on purpose, going off zoloft' stint and I must say I am amazed at how well I'm doing.  I have not felt manic in any way...I'm not climbing the walls.  I feel happy when I'm happy, sad when I'm sad, angry when I'm angry...like any other shmuck.  By now I should be going down big time, and I'm not...so that's a start.

I am having a few other side affects though...and after doing a bit of a google search I can recognise them for what they are...I'm having the occasional brain zaps (feelings of vertigo) not as much as I used to though, I'm feeling very tired and run down...but can still have times of energy,  I'm having cold symptoms where I feel like I'm coming down with a cold...again...but on research it seems that this could be a side affect (withdrawal of sorts even though zoloft isn't addictive)  It's hard to tell if I am actually fighting a cold (therefore feeing tired and run down from that) or if it IS actually the withdrawal...but either way it's ok, it's managable and I'm sure over time it'll get better!

There's been reports of insomnia or restless sleep but I don't have that at all....I sleep fine when I'm not being kicked in the head by my 2 year old who insists on climbing into my bed in the middle of the night ;)  Also nausea...which I don't have...and various other things, which, I'm happy to report, I don't have either.

Still it's early days yet but somehow I can't see these things rearing their ugly heads anytime soon.

I did get a supplement the other day from the health food shop, to help with moods and things, something called 'Same Gold' which is really expensive, which I'll take till it's gone and then I might move onto st John's wart or something...B6..whatever.  It's only been a few days and because I'm feeling so tired I can't tell if it's helping or not...I guess it is, I feel kinda neutral in my mood, and if I do get annoyed or feel anxiety, it seems to just come and go and I'm back to feeling neutral again.  And that's fine by me!

So I guess I'll keep writing about this, as I go along...and document any changes as I go, I'd like to see if it makes a difference to my weight or not (lose weight) as I have gained a fair bit over the last 5 years, and I've always put it down to the fact that not only have I had 2 kids in the last 5 years but I've also been lazy and not exercised and getting older and stuff....but wouldn't it be wonderful if it was the zoloft all along??  One can only hope ;)

Bye for now...and I'll be back when I have something else to report :)

ETA - I've also been getting the odd headache, but they come and go very quickly...nothing to write home about :)